Welcome to the Question and Answer section of this site. You may submit a question to Dr Gabrielle by sending her an email. Please be aware that all questions submitted to Dr Gabrielle will be considered for publication on this site unless you specifically state otherwise. No identifying information about you will ever be published on this site, so you can be assured of your confidentiality.

My partner and I are going to have a baby soon. We're really excited, and we're preparing, and it seems like every few weeks there's another adjustment to be made, but my friends who already have children are scaring me by saying "everything is going to change once the baby comes". They even tell me that I can forget about having a sex life for nearly a year! Is this true? Surely not! I'm worried that I won't be able to balance being a mother and a wife. Do you have any suggestions? Is it as hard as everyone says, or will the changes just come naturally?

First of all, I have to be up front, and tell you that my answer is going to be based on my professional knowledge, not on my personal experience, since I have yet to juggle the roles of wife and mother myself. I think perhaps your friends are trying to be helpful – after all, they know you are already pregnant, so it's not like they're trying to warn you away from the balancing act. They're simply trying to tell you some of the challenges that lay ahead – perhaps even challenges that no one told them about, that they wished they'd been warned about. If you find them terrifying and daunting, tell your friends that you'd like to hear some of the wonderful changes that will happen once the baby arrives, not just all the scary stuff.

It's true, more will change than stay the same, once you become a family. A baby brings great joy, but it's important to be realistic about what else motherhood will bring. As a sexologist, let me reassure you that if you experience lower libido, that's perfectly normal, and it might be months and months before it returns. Your husband's libido will not go through the same tempest as yours, so being open and honest about your fatigue levels will help – exhaustion is one of the primary causes of ongoing lower libido, and there is much your partner can do to help you get your needed rest.

Every couple adjusts to the transition from partners to parents differently, and the key to making the transition a happy one for both of you lies in being as direct as possible with each other. Communication is key at this stage.

Also rely on others' help, especially when it's offered. There's nothing noble in being a motherhood martyr – you're not going to have extra mothering energy to give, if you can't rejuvenate yourself, so it's important to invest in yourself as a woman. Accept breaks, accept some pampering, and if it's not offered, ask! If motherhood wears down your every energy cell, even contemplating the wife/mother balance is going to seem impossible, let alone attempting it.

And finally, there are no rules. Every woman manages her own balancing act in her own way, so trying to compare yourself to other mothers is futile. This was exemplified in an excellent episode of Desperate Housewives the other week, when one mother broke down and wondered why women make it harder on themselves by engaging in 'mothering one-upmanship', rather than support systems. Create a support system by sharing your concerns with your friends, family and husband. Your friends are right, in the sense that it's better to be aware of the changes that lie ahead and prepare for support now, rather than when you're blindsided by the Mack Truck of Mother Tiredness! Knowing of course, that you can't possibly prepare for everything …. a lot of the balancing act is rolling with the highs and lows as they occur. As far as the sex, though, eventually the desire to have it again will outweigh the desire for sleep. Eventually. According to www.modernmom.com, an American website that is popular with mothers worldwide for its frank and honest advice, maintaining a good marriage while juggling the roles of parent and partner come down to a few key principles:

1. Constructive disagreement: even if you bicker or fight in front of your kids, or they overhear you, make sure they also hear that it ends in calm resolution. Show them that people who love each other can disagree without bad feelings lasting forever. Maintain a safe place for them.
2. Love and affection: while everyone has differing boundaries around how much affection they are comfortable sharing in front of their children, random acts of touch keep a marriage alive and show kids the importance of contact in a healthy relationship.
3. Lots to talk about: studies reveal the more parents talk to their children from birth (and even before) on, the more likely it is that the kids will be verbally proficient. The same applies to marriages – communicate with your partner privately, and in front of your children, to model the skill.
4. Alone time: children need to know parents and adults have relationships, so create regular times that are your adult alone times. It's also a critical ingredient to sustaining a passionate, intimate connection between the two of you.
5. Playfulness: you don't have to go out and be away from the kids to have a good time. Laughing and playing with each other displays how much fun you have with your partner, and done in a lighthearted way won't create jealousy, but will rather show them a glimpse of the crazy-in-love people you are.

I have fallen in love with a terrific guy. We adore each other and want to move in together. There's a catch, though. We each have a dog, and they do not get along. We've been trying for months to walk them together, bring them to each other's houses, but it's not working. I cannot give up my dog – I love her almost like she's my child. And my boyfriend's dog is his best friend. We rarely fight, but we're screaming at each other about who will have to get rid of their dog. What can we do?

There is a lot of solid research to show that not only do pets help us to live longer, but they provide us with some of our most affectionate, feel-good relationships for overall well-being. I can understand how you'd be distressed in this situation, because we all love and adore our pets, and certainly wouldn't want to even contemplate the idea of having to give them up, even when the reason is a good one: moving into a committed relationship with a loving partner. Tough choice! But I don't think you should have to choose between your pooch and your partner.

First of all, acknowledge that this situation is a really good testing ground for you as a couple. With this as a challenge before you, and one that involves your emotions and loyalties, how you handle this situation is going to be an interesting indicator of how you'll solve conflicts and sort out your priorities as a couple. So in a sense, it's a blessing in disguise – what a wonderful learning curve for you both at the start of this new phase in your relationship.

To turn to someone else for advice is a sensible step, especially because it's an emotionally charged situation. My advice is to take this even one step further, and get specifically tailored advice from an animal specialist. In my role, I can only assure you that there will be compromises all the way along a relationship. However, these compromises don't always mean sacrifices. Negotiation is also a critical aspect of a healthy relationship. Communicating with each other to find enough ground to create a workable solution without taking away from the relationship is a learned skill, especially when the situation is a testing one.

Your situation has a workable solution, but you have to create room to find it, which may mean sitting down as a couple for a calm discussion of practical solutions without letting too much emotion get in the way. Harder said than done, I know, but if you find the discussion getting heated, take a breather, take a walk, put on the kettle, and agree to readdress the situation when you're both calmer. Then dial a local vet, or Paw Power Dog Training for suggestions. Whether you need to call on support from family and friends to help arrange for alternating pooch custody sharing, invest in dog training, build separate kennels, or hire Evelyn the shire dog walker as a buffer, there is a solution for you.

The micro situation is dealing with the dogs. The macro situation is becoming aware of the learning this situation has presented you both with. Negotiate a solution equitably and calmly, with respect for each other and both your loyalties and loves, and not only do you have two happier(ish) dogs, but one healthy, happy couple.

Negotiating in a Relationship

Communication specialists agree there are two ways to handle negotiation in a relationship: Negotiating Down and Negotiating Up.

If you think of each person as a circle, that then overlap once in a relationship, there will be an oval in the middle that becomes the common area of interests. It's important to find a balance between the amount of space in that common area, and the amount of space unique to each person (their identity, their interests, their time).

When couples fight, they often "negotiate down" which means that they pull away from each other, they sacrifice, subtract, give up, and chip away at the size of the circles. Negotiating down means not finding a workable solution, so the 'offending issue' is removed. Examples of these would be Girls' Nights, Boys Night's Out, hobbies they don't share together, friends one partner doesn't like, etc.

On the other hand, couples who "negotiate down" encourage additions to their relationship so their circles become full – of individual pursuits, and common ground. Couples will add new hobbies to share together, rather than sacrifice something that only one partner enjoys. They will find alternate ways to spend time happily apart if they don't share all the same friends. The concept is one of expansion to make room for all possible avenues to happiness rather than subtraction. Couples who have spent years unknowingly negotiating down can find the concept of negotiating up confronting, confusing, and too busy, at first, but then often find it opens up a new dimension of communicating, solving problems and positive learning about each other, to enjoy new things in life.

I'm a single father raising a daughter. So far, while there have been a few difficulties, I've handled every situation. However, puberty is around the corner, and I'm not sure how best to handle her questions – or how to talk to her about her body changes and everything else, especially if she doesn't ask any questions! Is it a good idea to involve a woman in her life to navigate this time, and if so, how?

This is a valid, thoughtful and important question, and I'm sure a lot of men can relate to your concerns. Dads, whether they are single fathers or part of large families, can often feel awkward around their children when puberty arrives. Mums can feel a bit uneasy too. And this is mainly because parents are faced with the 'dreaded sex topic'. It becomes unavoidable: discussing body changes, dealing with moods, buying bras and pads and tampons, guiding emerging teen angst and rebellion, teaching your values about sex and relationships, soothing hearts which have broken for the first time, decoding the new generation dating jargon and rules, and it goes on and on. It can be an intense time not only for adolescents, but for parents as well. Then double that intensity for single dads and daughters, unless they have open and loving communication, and mutual respect, which is precisely the right tonic to aid in these transition years.

Be aware that in adolescent development, a young girl begins to form a keen sense of her conscious identity from puberty onwards. She begins to have a concept of herself as a growing woman, into adulthood. Partly this is due to reproductive health changes seeming long term (many girls still get the negative message around her first period of 'welcome to "the curse" for the next thirty years!') and partly this is due to the rapid rate of female emotional maturity. The point is: you'll have to learn to keep up with your daughter's ever changing development, physically, emotionally and intellectually, because it can all happen very quickly. Parents, especially single dads, can do this by having regular one on one chats to learn about how she's thinking, what she's interested in, and how she's growing. Do this in an informal, unstructured way, so that you communicate to her that you're available and easy to talk to in a variety of contexts, not just in a big, serious, take time out for 'the talk' kind of way. Chatting to her about her life and her interests shows her that you are truly interested in her as a person – a whole person, not just a teen in puberty. Kids are far more willing to come to you with questions, if they feel you are an 'askable parent' – this means you show a willingness to chat about all kinds of things with them, at any given time (just about, within reason of course). Answer her questions openly and honestly – the research shows children benefit from direct information and get this – prefer to be taught about sex by their parents! They want you to tell them about sexuality and relationships. They want to know what you think. They want some guidance. It doesn't mean they'll take on board everything you say, but they want to hear what you have to say.

Also, don't be afraid to hug your daughter and tell her how beautiful she is. Dads can often feel a bit strange about touching their daughter as they start to develop into a woman, and develop a sense of privacy about their bodies and personal space. But it's important that you show her your affection, and reassure her of her growing and changing beauty, inside and out.

And finally, as a single dad, it's terrific if you can involve a woman in her life (if not her mother) to help answer questions, and to be a good female role model, and someone to talk with, if that's what she wants. Here in Byron Shire and the surrounding areas, the 'Aunty Program' does just that. Give them a call to find out how to get involved.

Dads and Daughters

1. Tell them they are beautiful in some way every day.
2. Make positive comments about women around them.
3. Explain the mysteries of boy behaviour to them – they'll appreciate the insight.
4. If you feel awkward hugging or touching them as they develop, try not to let this show. They'll easily pick up on this and it can make them even more self conscious.
5. Don't remark on their physical development to others. And especially not in front of her. Dads do this sometimes, without realising, and it's mortifying to daughters.
6. Show them sensitivity, privacy and respect. They'll respond in kind, and your relationship will be the stronger for it.

My boyfriend is a slob. He's a complete MESS and it's driving me NUTS. And, it's also turning me into a nag, which in turn is pushing him away from me. When I bring up the issue (of his lack of domestication), he calls me "anal" and tells me to "just relax". But I cannot live in a pigsty, and if things don't change I suspect I'll leave him. How can I get my man to change his dirty ways?

How can you change your man? You can't. But can give him a clear nudge in the direction of getting him to make a change himself. The top five things couples fight most often about include: money, child-rearing, division of labour and domestic issues, sex, and family matters. So you're certainly not alone in the 'fighting over mess' situation. It's nearly as common as the toilet seat debate.

Everyone has their boundaries around what they'll put up with – know yours and make them clear, if you haven't already, and if you have, repeat them even more clearly to ensure you've really been heard. Because if he's laughing and telling you to relax, he's not hearing you. He's not hearing how important this issue is. To him, domesticity isn't a priority (because it isn't being done, he spends no thought or action on it). So when you gripe about it, he's likely to tune it out as an unimportant issue. It's unimportant to him, until he hears and understands that it really is important to you. You've got to be crystal clear. Then he should snap to attention and listen to you, because loving couples listen to each other on important issues (and even the unimportant ones, but people tend to selectively hear those ones).

Have a serious chat about the issue so he knows how important your home is to you. Explain to him that it's not just about the mess, but about how you feel being in your home. This transfers the issue from 'pants on the floor' to how the ambiance of your home makes you feel emotionally in what is essentially your shared space together. Put this way, it's far harder to ignore, and laughingly tell you to relax. Rather than make the talk you have with him all about you and how you feel, balance the discussion by asking him for his likes and dislikes around the home, and ask him what he would consider important issues. The idea is to have a give and take flow in your discussion rather than a nagging session, or a 'listen, take me seriously because this is my home and this is how I want it' demand, which are both very one-sided approaches. Perhaps find a way to engage him in becoming houseproud in at least one way. He might reveal to you that he needs a space to himself, and you might address this so that he gets a bit of room to himself – his very own messy cave. He might like to redecorate something. The bottom line is, rather than drive him out with nagging echoes of 'do this, do that, pick up this, wipe that', or threatening him with a domestic turn-over or else you're out, think inclusively about how you can both find space, messy and clean, in your shared home.

Before You Move In Together

1. See how the other one lives and make a contract to address domestic issues fairly between you (fair is defined differently in every relationship).
2. State your expectations about what will and won't change socially – girls' nights out, boys' nights out, meals together. How much time do you expect to spend together in social situations? All of it? Some of it? Less than before since you're now living together anyway?
3. Discuss your finances. Joint or separate accounts? How will the bills be paid? Savings? Holidays? Sorting these money matters out before you move in makes for fewer fights and misunderstandings once you're sharing the same bed every night.
4. Get to know each other's families and friends. When you move in together you open your door to them, at least a little, if not a lot.
5. Take a deep breath with your partner and acknowledge that a lot is about to change. Agree to grow together.

I have a very secret admission. I hate sex. I hate all the mess, and there's no pleasure, arousal or attraction in it for me. I've never liked it. I know it's irrational, but I wish my partner didn't request sex from me, ever, because I loathe everything about it. He's been encouraging me to get help, but I really don't know what the big deal is. It's just not for me. Is that possible?

Many people might be surprised by my answer here, because as a sexologist, most people automatically assume I'm "pro-sex", but actually, you're entirely right. It is possible not to be interested in sex. It's not common, but it is possible. Sex is one of our basic human drives; it follows right after food and shelter in terms of our primal needs. Yet there is a documented, researched section of the population who report absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever. They label themselves asexual, and represent about 1% of the population. So when you add it up, there's quite a few asexuals out and about.

Not all asexuals are the same. Some report never having felt a sex drive, and always having had zero interest in sexual behaviour and sexual matters of any sort. Others have felt a mild interest in sex at one time, but have always had a very low libido – hypo sex drive – and now have a total absence of interest in sex. Some have a total lack of sexual attraction, full stop. Many asexuals aren't even interested in sex enough to be bothered by the mess or lack of pleasure – they simply don't consider sex, bad or good, a part of their life or daily awareness.

Most of sexual behaviour falls along a spectrum – from healthy to unhealthy, legal to illegal, frequent to infrequent … to none. It can be difficult for someone who is truly asexual to be in a relationship with someone who is not. Many aspects of a couple's sex life can be negotiated, however if the issue is so starkly black and white that it comes down to 'to be sexual or not to be', it becomes quite a fundamental issue in a relationship.

However, if you're not truly one of the 1% of asexuals, and do feel somewhat sexual, but just not happy about having sexual intercourse, there may be some solutions. First, if you enjoy some sexual pleasure (alone or with your partner apart from intercourse), try maximizing the pleasure. Spend more time on behaviours that make you feel good, and less time on intercourse which clearly does not make you feel good. In fact, you might agree to ban intercourse for at least a month to take the pressure and negative associations with sex away. Don't worry about your partner's frustration. If you agree to work on becoming sexually satisfied together, you'll both be happier. Much as you hate sex, he probably isn't enjoying having sex with a partner that doesn't like it either, especially since he's encouraging you to get help.

If you're with a sex therapist (which I'd recommend), it would be a good idea to try to figure out where your negative messages and associations with sex come from, and what their triggers are. Then it would be important to find and repeat some positive associations – in theory before putting them into practice. You might try to fantasise in your own private thoughts about a time when sex could be good (not great, just good. Let's not run before we walk!). Think about one or two nice things about sexual touch, before slowly working up to an ideal, lovely time with sex. Don't worry if this seems completely impossible or off-putting to you at first. Turning a negative association with sex into a positive one, and then sparking your libido from that can be a long process with a few side steps or 'one step forward two step back' paces.

In the end, it really is up to you, whether you believe you are an asexual, and as you say, sex just simply isn't for you, or whether you believe you find sex unappealing, but some things about sensuality and sexuality might hold a teeny bit of interest. Whichever you decide, I recommend you see a sex therapist, and preferably with your partner. Sex is a shared activity, and problems are best sorted out as a couple, whether you're a couple who has sex, or not.

Who Are Asexuals?

1. Asexuals are people who identify as not having an interest in sex, sexual attraction or sexual arousal. There is a range of asexuals, mostly because everyone is different (much like heterosexuals are all quite different, are attracted to a huge range of diversity, and with great degrees in desire).
2. Asexuals are men and women, gay, bi, and straight, young and old.
3. Asexuals are not necessarily sexually repressed – they state they are no more repressing an attraction for someone, any more than a heterosexual is repressing an attraction for someone of the same sex through internalised homophobia. They say we are all who we are, and it's as straightforward as that.
4. Asexuals do not necessarily have anything against sex. Some of them are quite open in their attitudes to sex, but simply do not like to practice.
5. Asexuality is different from celibacy. Celibate people choose to abstain from sexual relationships, while asexual people simply don't feel compelled to form them. It's not that 'they haven't found the right person yet'. They aren't looking.

My partner is not romantic. I love romance, but since we've been married, I never get it. I would love to get flowers, to be told I love you, to be taken out to dinner and dancing, but he never shows me how much he loves me. I know he does love me, but it's nice to be told sometimes. He doesn't even make an effort on Valentine's Day! He says I should know he loves me, because he stays with me year after year. Is it unreasonable to ask my husband of 15 years to be more romantic?

Let me start by asking this: are you romantic? The idea that only men should do the romancing, is old, out of date, fallen by the wayside. Women can do the romancing in a relationship, too. And in a situation like yours, with die-hard patterns of resistance to romance, showing your husband how to be romantic is just the key. You mention that you haven't been romanced since you were married. Did your husband romance you into falling in love with him? If so, he does have the capacity to romance, it just sounds like he hasn't got the motivation. People get motivated to do things for many reasons, and usually because there is a pay-off of some kind – feeling good, knowing you've done the right thing, money, sex, physical change, etc. Your husband's romance muscle is weak. He's let it go over the past 15 years. He's going to need some training, and motivation, to get it back in shape. Enter you: the romance trainer in your relationship. Take him out to dinner. Offer to massage him. Buy or give him something you know he'll like. Tell him you love him, in the way you'd like to be told. Show him how nice romance feels. Because romance isn't about flowers and jewelry, or any other cliches, it's simply about thoughtfulness and loving expression for your partner. And men like to feel this just as much as women. I suggest you start this in small ways. Don't go overboard straight away, because when one partner makes a radical change to their intimacy, it often rocks the balance in the relationship, and sends the other partner out of kilter. They wonder, 'what's this about then?', 'Is there an agenda under this change?', 'Is the relationship in trouble?', 'Am I in trouble?', 'How much trouble?', 'Is this a phase?' Whenever you do something romantic, make sure you express how nice it feels to be romantically connected with your husband. After a little while, you can start encouraging your husband to initiate some romance. Here's a hint: don't start with, "I've been being nice to you for two months - ok your turn to romance me now!' Cut him some slack and give him ideas of things you'd appreciate. Patience: remember, he's in training. If you both take responsibility for the state of romance in your marriage, exercising both your abilities to woo and cherish the other, then after awhile you'll both be marathon romantics – maybe aim for peak performance by next Valentine's Day!

How to be Truly Romantic:

1. A romantic comment is often sweetest when it is unprompted. For example, don't just tell them they look beautiful when they are all dressed up to go out, but when they are doing something mundane, even something particularly unattractive, like house-cleaning, or giving the kids a bath.
2. Be romantic simply to be romantic. Giving someone an extension of your feelings in a particular instance, solely to get something in return, isn't true romance, but Romance-With-An-Agenda (and it's usually transparent).
3. Gusto, intensity, finesse, passion. If you're going to do or say something romantic, go all the way. Infuse every word with meaning. Inject every part of your effort with your feelings. That essence of your intentions translates to your partner deeper than any word or deed.
4. Never stop being romantic. My research with couples who have been together for 40 and more years shows caring, listening and romance feature prominently in the successful lasting of bonds. There's no expiry date on true romance.

I've been very interested in the concept of monogamy, especially after reading your column about 'cheating' the other week. I myself practice open, polygamous relationships, and I'm wondering what you think: is monogamy natural?

Excellent question! And this is one of the most common questions I get as a sexologist – easily it's one of the top five most common questions asked. One might assume it's a question asked more frequently by men, and you'd be right, although women ask about it too. According to research, especially recent research on the brain, it's becoming increasingly apparent that no, sexual monogamy is not natural, or easily achieved, for humans – or for animals, for that matter. There have been many cultures that have recognized variant unions, such as polygyny (one man and several women), polyandry (one woman and several men) and polyamory (multiple, loving, consensual relationships), although these unions have remained in the minority, when compared with the widespread acceptance of, and desire for monogamous unions. While non-monogamous unions became popular in Western countries such as Australia in the 1970s, following the 1972 release of the groundbreaking book, Open Marriage, by George and Nena O'Neill, the trend then of "responsible nonmonogamy", including trios, open marriages, groups of couples and intentionally created families never really caught on. Partly this is due to jealousy – men and women alike do not like to share sexually, and emotionally.

Humans, like animals, are not successful at monogamy. Research indicates divorce rates nearing around the 50% mark, and reasons cited for splits include communication difficulties, basic unhappiness, incompatibility, and infidelity. In fact, 25% of married women and 45% of married men admit to being unfaithful at some point in their union (not all couples divorce over this, however. Many marriages weather infidelity). So, it seems, we, like animals, are not good at monogamy. Why is it such a challenge?

Anthropologist Helen Fisher believes that evolutionarily, humans are programmed for serial pair-bonding (what we often refer to now as 'serial monogamy') in which sexually faithful unions last approximately 4 years – staying together just long enough for a child to be weaned from total dependence. Additional children can extend this pair bond for another four years. Fisher's research on this "four year itch" shows that divorce rates peak at 4 years of marriage in over 62 cultures. Research also shows that biologically, humans are not wired for monogamy either. The biochemicals oxytocin and vasopressin are two of our love bonding chemicals and have complex effects on our sex drive and feelings of romantic passion and commitment. Interestingly, the higher testosterone levels that men have, the lower vasopressin they have. Men with high levels of testosterone marry less frequently, have more adulterous affairs, and divorce more often. Women, on the other hand, while not wired for lifelong monogamy either (they have testosterone too), have more receptors for oxytocin (one of the chemicals released in men and women during sex) than men, making them more likely to bond with their partner through the act of sex (translation: it explains why, after sex, women want to cuddle and talk, and men want to sleep or head for the door. Yes, it's biological! At least in part…). The case against monogamy is pretty strong. However, our culture is based on pairing and rearing in monogamous unions, so we each make decisions to accept or reject living with that premise. Whether in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, jealousy can play a part in destroying a union, so remember some basic l-o-v-e relationship fundamentals:

Learn about your partner. What do they expect from the relationship? What are their jealousy triggers? What do they like and dislike? What are their boundaries? What are their 'unforgivables'?

Open communication. Lack of effective communication is one of the primary causes of divorce. Decide how honest you're going to be with your partner, and stick to it. Maintain open channels of listening and talking with your partner, especially as you change over time.

Variety. Not just sexual variety, but inject your relationship with variety in general. Too often couples say "we just grew apart". Prevent this by trying new things together. Build more common ground together by finding new hobbies and interests as a couple.

Explore fantasies. Worried about infidelity, jealousy or sexual boredom? Indulge in each other's fantasies, role play, and create sexual alter egos for yourselves - you can be monogamous while acting out fantasies of sleeping with a myriad of other 'sexy personalities'.

There has been quite a bit of press about Byron Bay being a centre of sexual assaults. Do you have any advice or tips about how we can prevent sexual violence in our community?

The current trend of increasing sexual assaults in our shire is alarming. There are many different types of rape – stranger, date, acquaintance, relationship, sadistic, power, anger/excitation, opportunistic – but in essence, rape is rape, and it's traumatic. In Queensland, just up the road, reports of sexual assault are rising at over 17% each year, and many experts believe barely one in ten sexual assaults are reported. The true scope of non-consensual sex is silent and frightening.

Experts warn that alcohol plays a major role in many of the sexual assaults in the shire. It's critical that we as a community recognise that consent is the most important aspect of sexual behaviour. If someone has had too much to drink, they are not adequately able to give consent to sex. It is rape. Even when you know your partner, you still must gain consent for sex each time. State crime statistics show that two thirds of sexual assaults in Byron Bay are perpetrated by an offender who is known to the victim, or in a place considered 'safe', such as their home, or a home known to them. If someone you know has been sexually assaulted, the single most important thing you can do is believe them. After that, ask them if they want to report it, see a counselor, and then give them your support. While keeping our community safe from sexual violence should entail changing the offending behaviour, some basic safety principles include:

Ten ways to prevent sexual victimization:

1. Challenge gender stereotypes
2. Don’t tolerate inappropriate language or behaviour
3. Be careful about sending and receiving sexual signals – clarify your intent and understanding before acting
4. Choose safe settings
5. Understand what you want and send clear signals
6. Talk about sex before having it
7. Think ahead; be aware of strong feelings and anticipate consequences
8. Say ‘no’ clearly when you mean it; accept ‘no’ when you hear it
9. Keep your wits about you – avoid alcohol or drugs
10. Call it what it is. If a date does not accept your limits, tell him or her, ‘this is rape and I’m calling the police’.

Ten ways you can stop violence:

1. Object to jokes about racism, women, rape, minorities or nationalities
2. Watch your own anger – talk it out, write it out, sing it out – but do not act it out
3. Refuse to hate
4. Refuse to retaliate
5. volunteer at a shelter for battered women or runaway youths
6. Write a letter protesting a violent movie or television show
7. Support a tax on guns and ammunition that would help fund more health care
8. Avoid a conflict. It’s usually not worth it to argue anyway.
9. Be charitable toward rude people – they may not know any better.
10. Remain hopeful – hope grows the way a path does; as more people walk it, it turns into a major highway.

Over the last month, I've received a number of letters all asking about a variety of sexual behaviours, such as how to perform oral sex to maximise partner pleasure, how to make anal sex comfortable, and how to incorporate toys into sex play. The common theme of all these questions encompasses the idea that sex is not just about intercourse (or "pv" penile-vaginal intercourse), and that we're curious about a spectrum of sexual behaviours. So just how do you keep a sex life filled with variety?

There's a saying: sex is like pizza – even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. But if you ate pizza, and nothing else, every meal for months on end, at some point you'll hit a boredom threshold and tire of it … and the same goes for sex. Just as we're curious about trying all different kinds of food, many people like to try different sexual pleasures. Not everyone will want to try all things – not everyone is adventurous in the kitchen, or the bedroom, so it's important to share your desires, curiosities, and preferences with your partner as a baseline for experimentation and compromise. Wanting to try new things sexually, does not mean you or your partner are bored. In fact, sexual experimentation has always been about pleasure and play. The term for sex toy, 'dildo', comes from the term 'diletto', meaning 'to delight'. For a myriad of verrry specific suggestions and techniques to delight your partner in a variety of oral, anal, sensual and/or toy play, flick through my book, Urge: Hot Secrets for Great Sex. Signed copies are available from one of our shire's most sensual and sexy shops: Oh My Goddess in Brunswick Heads. And if you've got a hot tip you'd like to have me include in my next book, Spicy Sex, which I'm writing right now, please send me an email!

Third Time Lucky

When trying a new sexual pleasure, general advice is to try anything new at least three times.

1. The first time you’ll be worrying about knocking elbows, knees, and doing it ‘right’.
2. The second time you’ll be milking the potential – trying to make it work for you (if you’re a selfish lover), or for your partner (if you’re a generous lover)
3. The third time is more likely to be the winner as you’ll be able to relax and go with the flow as it will feel more familiar to you. Then you can decide if it’s something you want to never try again, or add to your sexy bag of tricks!

I have this problem at work. One of my co-workers is married but it seems that his marriage is going through a rough spot. He and I flirt but I don't take it seriously because I'm not the type of person to become involved with a man who is married or dating another woman. I think he may feel differently. He mentioned something yesterday that made me think he's really unhappy in his marriage and is looking to do something he may regret later. How can I suggest to him that he and his partner should maybe see a marriage counselor? Also, have I done anything wrong by flirting? Did I exacerbate the situation? Should I stop being friendly altogether? Is it my business to suggest he get help?

This seems like a classic case of miscommunication … the old friendliness versus flirtation dilemma. Given the context of your coworker's situation – that of being a) married and b) potentially unhappily so and thus prepared to take a risk into 'might regret later' land, it would be a good idea to slow everything down by stopping any beyond-platonic-friends-only flirtations with him. If you feel he is expressing a level of interest in you that you don't reciprocate, it's important to clear up this misconception. If your coworker has a close, friendly relationship with you, it may be appropriate to express your concern about his well-being and ask if he thinks seeing a marriage counselor might help him, but this in the end, is your own judgment call. If you do raise this issue with him, acknowledge that perhaps it's not your business, but your worry for him extends only as a friend. Use this conversation as an opportunity to send a clear message that you are coworkers and friends, but a possibility for more is a No Through Road. Redirect your coworker's focus on what he can have and fix: his current relationship. It's natural to have close friendships in the workplace, but transferring flirtations, or reaching out to a coworker for a feel better tonic for a non-work issue may be fuelling a dangerous business/pleasure mix.

Mixing Business with Pleasure Rules

1. Maintain boundaries around sharing intimacies. You may feel close to your coworkers, but keep some basic separations between your relationship and your work.
2. Share your work stories, developments, frustrations and pleasures with your partner. Their interest and involvement can continue to connect you.
3. Be familiar with your workplace sexual harassment policies, and keep your verbal and non-verbal behaviour within them.
4. Remember the distinction between flirting for fun, and flirting with intention.
5. Balance quantity time at work with quality time at home.

*Or, simply ignore the rules. 80% of couples report meeting through work!

I've heard so many mixed things about aphrodisiacs. Is there really such a thing as an aphrodisiac?

The word 'aphrodisiac' is thought to come from the ancient festival of Aphrodisia, the goddess of love, and the Greek word 'aphrodisiakos', relating to sexual intercourse. Some of the earliest love potions and sexual enhancement herbs were traditionally sold and used at this festival. Natural substances thought to awaken and prolong our sexual response have enticed lovers into erotic taste tests through the ages. Some aphrodisiacs have real merit, and have indeed been shown to spark some sexual arousal, or to at least affect the genitals or reproductive organs. Most aphrodisiacs, though are sexual enhancers purely through the sensual power of suggestion.

Some aphrodisiacs have been thought to have sexual powers through their symbolism of fertility, creation of new life, and genitalia. These include things such as eggs, caviar, lamprey (a phallic shaped fish, thought to awaken the passion of men), tomatoes (red, juicy and luscious, early Europeans thought they were forbidden sexual fruit and dubbed them 'love apples'), and of course, oysters. In fact, science has shown that the zinc found in oysters does indeed increase testosterone levels, making it both a suggestive and actual aphrodisiac.

Modern research has also shown that fruit stimulates our sexual response – literally. Neurologist Alan Hirsch found that even the smell of strawberries increased penile blood flow. Other fruits with true aphrodisiac qualities include grapes, bananas, cherries and oranges (which confirmed a 20% increase in penile blood flow in one study). While they smell good, taste divine and are symbolic icons of seduction and sex, it turns out they also increase our blood flow and add zip to our arousal. Cherries and pears, in particular, contain vitamins A and B, which aid in the production of our sex hormones, and if oysters aren't to your liking, cherries also have zinc and vitamins which boost testosterone, and sperm production for men.

To 'spice up your sex life', people through the ages have relied on powerdered licorice root, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered garlic, and pepper. Arabs used to eat 100 pine nuts before a night of passion, and Greeks used to mix them with almonds and honey into a paste to increase sexual desire. Here in Australia, aged emu eggshell has long been valued by Aborigines as a substance for increased sexual rejuvenation and general well-being. It has no known side effects (I'm unaware of scientific testing), and can be used by both men and women. It can be bought in shops or ordered from www.love-love.com.au.

And then of course, there's wine. Any alcohol isn't really an aphrodisiac as much as it's a sexual disinhibitor. One or two drinks can get you in the mood for lurve, more than that it's no longer a disinhibitor, but a sexual anti-performance aid!

The other day I asked my de facto partner of three years if he feels really in love with me. He hesitated and said he is not sure if he loves me as strongly as I love him. When prompted he explained that his doubt comes from comparing the way we act towards one another – eg: I value time with him over everything else, where as he would often prefer to be spending time on his hobbies rather than with me. I am scared that a life long relationship requires a deeper, more certain love than this. What do I do?

First of all, it's fantastic that you are checking in with each other and discussing how you feel, and how you define love (never an easy task). There are many ways to define love, and experts over time have debated it, as have poets, writers and troubadors. Not to mention lovers themselves! Certainly there are components to love that expand beyond our understanding of our feelings, and that also transcend our behaviour. Trying to measure love between you as a comparison of how you each would prefer to spend your time is a little like the apple and orange comparison. Yes, preferring to spend time with your partner, over and above everything else, can be one manifestation of love, but it is not the only way to love, show love, or feel love. By putting pressure on yourselves to show and feel love in exactly the same way, you box yourselves into a regulating pace of structured love that can't freely blossom in its own growth, between you, as you each change and grow as people. Rather than compare yourselves to each other in how you exhibit love, and increase each other's anxiety with a tit for tat ' I love you' 'No I love you more', 'Well I love you to the moon and back', 'Well then I love you around the solar system, into black holes over into parallel universes and back' (you see the trap you can get yourselves into?), I suggest you talk more specifically.

One researcher, Sternberg, theorised that to understand love fully, there should be three active components: passion, intimacy and commitment. Intimacy is defined as the emotional component of love that encompasses the sense of being bonded with another person. Passion is the motivational component that fuels romantic feelings, physical attraction and desire for sex. Commitment is the conscious decision to love one another and maintain a relationship over time despite difficulties. So rather than discuss how much you love each other, why not sit down for a heart to heart about how intimately bonded you feel you each are, what kind of commitment you have for the other, and how passionately you feel for each other. Discuss how important your relationship is, but also how important your individuality is too. Many couples fall into the "love trap" of that damned Jerry Maguire crapola of "you complete me". No, no, no! Don't complete each other! Be complete yourselves, and then share each other. Give each other space, time alone, and then enjoy the time you have together, and define your love through your feelings and bond, rather than through prioritizing your hobbies. Kahlil Gibran put it best, in his wise book, The Prophet, and his passage on love is often quoted at weddings. He emphasizes the importance of sharing, and also being yourselves. Individuality is a critical element in forging a strong, lasting union. Take heed of his words, and then talk with your partner about them. Let love be experienced, not measured.

I think my partner is a sex addict, but I'm not sure. All I know is that he constantly demands sex, every day, sometimes more than once a day, even when we're fighting or when one or both of us is in a bad mood. I also know he's on the Internet a lot, and I suspect he's looking at porn on the Net. Is there such a thing as a sex addict, or is it a Hollywood invention?

While there is much debate about whether sex addiction exists, there is even greater debate about the criteria for determining sex addiction. After all, what determines healthy sex and excessive sex? Who determines whether someone has a high sex drive and healthy desire or need for sex, and someone who is an addict, who is compulsively driven to need sex as a tonic for various motivations, not only sexual desire or sexual satisfaction? Where is this line? What does it look like? Who decides? Sexologists and psychologists have been debating for years about whether someone can indeed be addicted to love, sex and romance, as one would be drugs, alcohol and gambling.

According to the people who run SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous), sexual addiction does indeed exist (and it exists on a large enough scale to support SLAA groups across Europe, America and Australia, to name a few continents). SLAA handles and aims to help sexual addictions in a similar vein to other twelve step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous. Members seek to stop acting out their own addictive behaviours on a daily basis and deal with personal addictions such as sex addiction, love addiction, dependency on romantic attachments, emotional dependency, and sexual, social and emotional anorexia (the complete withdrawal from sex, romance, loving and attachment). Many psychologists resist the term addiction when it comes to sexual drive and behaviour. Some prefer to use the terms sexual obsessive (constant thoughts) or sexual compulsive (uncontrollable urges).

Certainly there is one area that most agree on, and that is that sexual addiction, by way of the Internet, is on the rise, particularly with addiction to cyberporn. The double whammy of Internet addiction – the Net being a vortex in which people lose time, and the lure of sex and power as a strong incentive has driven internet porn into sky high use. Researchers can understand the allure of internet porn for the Triple-A reasons: accessibility, affordability and anonymity. 1 in 5 men, and 1 in 40 women have looked at pornography on the internet, and research shows 10-15% have problematic use with sexual obsessiveness and compulsivity.

When it comes to sexual addiction, the guru in this field, Patrick Carnes estimates that 3 to 6 percent of people are sex addicts. If you believe your partner is a sexual addict, speak with him about it, do not have sex you don't consent to, and seek help – either through Dr Carnes's website: www.sexhelp.com, through a branch of SLAA, or with a local psychologist. The website is a good start because you and/or your partner can read about sexual addiction, read about being a partner or co-dependent of a sexual addict, and take the Internet sex screening text, and sexual addiction screening text to assess yourselves "Sexual addicts struggle to control their behaviours and experience despair over their constant failure to do so," the site says. "Their loss of self-esteem grows, fuelling the need to escape even further into their addictive behaviours. A sense of powerlessness pervades the lives of addicts." Remember: knowledge is power, and it can help you find a solid path to healthy sex and relationship with each other and yourselves. Good Luck.

I have a friend who keeps touching me and hugging me for so long that it makes me uncomfortable. I wouldn't go so far to say that it is sexual harassment, because it's not actually sexual, but he does touch me for too long, in places where I'm not that comfortable being touched. I thought we were supposed to be friends – does this kind of touching mean he's interested in me?

Our non-verbal communication can often speak louder than words. Certainly when people are interested in another, they can communicate these feelings through body language before actually saying out loud, and directly, that they are 'in like'. This is the nature of flirting – to assess, and give and receive signals, prior to establishing a firm relationship. People can express interest through open body language and slight reaches and touches. If, however, they go too far, and you're not comfortable, you have to give them some sort of sign, rather than acquiesce. According to anthropologists, humans can venture into exploring a potential sexual relationship first through body language. One partner will make eye contact, and then initiate a touch. If the other makes a reflective move – called mirroring – such as also leaning forward, or reciprocating a similar level of touch … OR if they do nothing, it's regarded as a positive invitation of potential interest. From here, further mirroring and gazing occurs until both smiling, and a mutual 'like' is established and flirting and bonding then kicks into a higher gear, culminating in what's known as the 'copulatory gaze' which is intense eye contact, 'drinking in of each other' suggesting certain sexual interest.

Perhaps your friend is interested in you, and literally 'feeling' whether you might have a similar interest in him. If you give no indication at all, and let yourself be touched, and hugged, even when you are desperately uncomfortable, he then has no signal to pick up on that. Next time he touches you inappropriately (in your mind), back away and create some personal body space between you. If he hugs for too long – pull away. Not drastically, but firmly enough so that your signal is clear. If these subtle hints don't work, then it might be time for a chat.

Since having our twins, I feel that my husband perceives me as more of a mother to the children than a sexual partner. What would you suggest I do to encourage my partner to perceive me differently, and get our sex life back on track again?

This is a very common issue, (the sex part, not the twins part!) so I want to thank you for writing in and asking this question, as a lot of women will be able to relate to it, I'm sure. The stereotype is that after children, the woman's sex drive falls away, and the man is left frustrated, and wanting more sex. While this can certainly be true also, we really don't hear from women, nearly as loudly, that they want their sex life back too!

Children can be libido zappers. They can make parents tired, and on a practical level, it can be hard to get treasured privacy to even make time and room for a hot sex life! And you can more than double that with twins to take care of.

Aside from those obstacles of time and fatigue, some men can also find it hard to transition from seeing their partner as a mother during the day, to vampy, sexy lover at night, in private. This is most common sooner after birth, and especially with the birth of the first child, or twins in your case. It can be a shock to the system as you both learn to juggle your new roles in your new family. The emphasis is on being new parents, but then as you slowly adjust, your sex life should heat up again.

If you're finding that particular difficult, the key is to remind him that you're his lover, and not only the mother of his children. There are some easy ways to do this, such as buying lingerie, or a few saucy toys (babies rake in the toys from day dot, and I think parents should have lover-ly pressies for each other too!). When the babies are young, hot date nights become difficult and even impossible, to steal moments together when they are sleeping to kiss, spoon together, and cuddle. Remind each other that you are each other's priority too, not just the babies. As the children get a little older, work up to getting nights alone, and then weekends alone. If you can, go back to a place you have hot, sexy romantic associations with. It might be a B&B, a hotel room, or even an island destination. Go there to reconnect as a couple, just the two of you. Write love letters to each other or describe a sexual fantasy to your partner. Leave love notes lying around for the other to find as a surprise. The main point to remember is that you bring sex and sexiness straight to the front of your brains, and present in your life, in an every day way – not that you have to do it everyday, but that you flirt, seduce and be sensual with each other every day. Allow your sexual selves to be in balance with your new roles as parents.

Bonking After Baby:

• Plan a sexy weekend away, even if you can't take it for a long time, the anticipation will build until you can get away together.
• Sneak time together when you can. Give each other massages and sensual touch. Cuddle and kiss. Seize those stolen moments!
• Take turns taking care of the baby so you can each get as much rest as possible. Fatigue kills libido. To get your Big O's, you need to get your Zzzzz's!

My husband travels regularly for work and can be away for weeks or months at a time. Sometimes it feels like we have a long distance relationship. How do we keep the relationship sparking while he's away?

Oh the woes of a long distance relationship! Love across the miles can be very difficult, but then the excitement of being together, after having been apart, can keep your passion really sizzling. Many couples who maintain regular long distance relationships enjoy this emotional and lifestyle roller coaster - the highs and lows make their relationship feel dynamic. Others really enjoy the solitary time, so that when they are with their partner, they focus 110% of their attention and energy squarely and purely on their loved one.

Certainly to keep a long distance relationship healthy, open communication is needed, and that can only be a good thing. In fact, some relationships that survive across the miles can be the healthiest of all, simply because of the attention and investment both partners actively put into it.

However, if you find that maintaining a relationship with a partner that is only there with you part-time rather than full-time is too difficult, you first need to ask yourself the question: is it worth it? If you find stress and resentment building up, you'll need to address those before they lead to an anger that could threaten the relationship. Whenever you find it hard, talk with your partner about the amount of time you're together and apart. If you feel the relationship is worth the extra work it's going to need to survive the geographical distance and travel, then you'll be motivated to keep it sparking.

So, while your husband is away, the first thing to bear in mind is to stay connected, however you can. Leave him love notes, wrapping one in something sexy of yours in his bag, so he has it as a visual reminder of you, and how sexy you are for him. Perhaps write a fantasy down for him … something to ignite his sexual imagination. Fill your fantasy with deliciously erotic things he can share with you when he returns. If you can, and are willing, try having phone sex, or text/SMS sex. You can even send seductive emails to each other (bearing in mind some work email accounts are not confidential, and some companies ban personal emails). If you're shy about having phone sex, start romantically and lovingly at first, then increase the 'raunch content' as you build up confidence and comfort.

In addition to keeping things hot between you across the distance, when your husband travels, it's important that nothing cools between you, so keep informed about the big and small details of each others lives, even while you're apart. Feeling like you know all that's going on with the other while you're apart maintains trust, which is a critical ingredient in any relationship, but particularly one in which distance is a reality.

No one said long distance relationships were easy. But they're not impossible either. Lots of couples manage them successfully, and if you both put in the energy to staying connected, no matter where you are, you'll find the rewards very much worth it.

Keeping Connected When You Are Apart:

• Set a time limit on how long and how often you'll be apart.
• Make plans to celebrate your reunion. Looking forward to these plans keeps you connected while you're away.
• If you're going to miss special occasions while you're apart, like an anniversary, prepare in advance to mark them in an extra special way by leaving cards for each other to open, or arranging for flowers to be delivered. Let them know you're with them in some way on that special day.
• Maintain your bond by keeping things in common. Take up a sport or hobby together, and practice while you're apart so you can play together when you can. Or both read the same book at the same time and discuss it while you're apart. The pages will bind you.
• Talk as much as you can. If you can't see each other, it's important to hear each other.

My sexual function is fine when I pleasure myself, but when I'm with my girlfriend, I have erectile problems (every time, not just sometimes). I love her deeply and I'm very attracted to her, so what's wrong with me? At 35, should I be taking Viagra?

While Viagra can be a sexual saviour for millions of men, and their partners, it's not right for everyone. Viagra is primarily a best course of treatment for erectile dysfunction if the actual attaining and maintaining of erection, physiologically, is the main problem. However, because you describe having a healthy sexual response when you masturbate, I suspect something else is going on.

In fact, most people don't realise that the sexual response in men, and women, is one of our most fragile body systems, and its function can be impaired by many things. I often look at the sexual response as one of the body's barometers. When it fails, it can be an early detection system for you that indicates that something else isn't right.

In men, the inability to achieve an erection on demand (or desire) can be a reflection of many things going on in his life. See if any of the following apply to you: fatigue, worry, stress, performance pressure, or pressure in life in general, financial frets, intimacy issues, fear of pregnancy, lack of trust, and general or specific anxiety. You might find the clues to your intermittent sexual function in your lifestyle, because any of the above can hinder or completely halt a man's sexual response.

Do you masturbate quickly and when you're in the mood, but find when you start to make love with your girlfriend that you're suddenly tired? If so, fatigue might be what's ailing your sexual response. Do you find yourself 'not in the moment' with your girlfriend and allowing negative thoughts to intrude on your sex time together? Do you talk openly about sex? Are you open about pleasuring each other and finding out what each other likes? Do you use contraception to allay any worries in that area?

The key to addressing this issue is to find the specific trigger for the problem. Physiologically, you can have an erection and orgasm, so the answer to helping your sex life lies in figuring out what is stopping you from enjoying sex with your girlfriend. She might think it's because you're not attracted to her, but it's entirely possible that, as you say, you find her incredibly sexy, but your penis isn't responding like your brain and your heart, because of personal or lifestyle issues that are getting in the way. Most people automatically assume that when a man's penis doesn't snap to attention for his lover, it means he doesn't desire them anymore. But in fact, men are human, not sex machines, and it's natural to be totally attracted to your lover, but still have a problem. So to fix it, reflect on the possible cause(s) that might apply to you, and if you need to seek further professional assistance, a qualified sex therapist should be able to help you work it out, so that in no time, you and your girlfriend are back working it out … between the sheets.

Keys to making your sex life work … when it's not working so well:

1. Define sex as greater than intercourse. Focus on pleasuring the whole body.
2. Create time just for each other, to build intimacy. Make sure you have time together that is affectionate, not just sexual.
3. Make a pact to try something new at least every 4-8 weeks.
4. Maintain open communication, so that when something goes wrong (as it will because we're human, not machines) you feel more comfortable talking together about it.
5. Don't be afraid to seek professional help. That's what sexologists are here for! You can make a discrete appointment, ask a qualified professional for advice online, or even write to me!

Poor body image is stopping me going out and meeting people. Everyone talks about the pressure on women to look perfect, but it's on us guys as well. I'm lonely, but how can I get past this problem of how I feel about myself? I just can't imagine anyone being attracted to me (I'm fat and pathetic, and don't look anything like the hot men women are always going on about) and I feel destined to be alone.

You're absolutely right that body image is a serious issue affecting men as well as women. Body image is how one thinks, perceives and feels about their body, and while women have felt pressure for years to be thinner than they are, men are now also feeling a pressure to obtain a goal body shape of lean and muscular, and feel inadequate if they aren't magazine pin-up perfect. Only one in five Australian women are happy with their body weight according to research, and nine out of ten Australian women have dieted at least once in their lives. This might not seem surprising, as society readily accepts that women diet, however the statistics on men and body image are equally alarming, and much lesser known, or openly discussed. One in four Australian men in a healthy weight range believe themselves to be fat, and 17% of men are on a weight loss diet at any given time. Three percent of men are binge eaters, 4% are bulimic (binge/purge cycle) and one in ten anorexics is now male. Of men that are regular exercisers, 20% are addicted to exercise and three percent of Australian teenage boys use muscle enhancing drugs like steroids. And these figures only represent what we know from research – the actual numbers may be even higher, since there is such a stigma for men to seek medical help or counselling for body image or weight related issues. In the US, forty-five percent of boys and girls in grades three through six want to be thinner, 37% have already dieted and 7% score in the eating disorder range on a test of children's eating habits . Over half of the females studied between ages eighteen and twenty-five would prefer to be run over by a truck than to be fat, and two-thirds would choose to be mean or stupid rather than fat. And if all that isn't shocking enough, in a survey of Uni students, research found that they would prefer to marry an embezzler, drug user, shoplifter, or blind person than someone who is fat. Have we gone mad?!

It's all very paradoxical, given that 42% of men and 25% of women are overweight, 16% of men and 17% of women are obese, and between 20-25% of Aussie kids are obese. In fact, the rise of obesity among kids is so dramatic that they are being labelled "Generation O". O for Obese. Given these clash of statistics that men, women and children are getting heavier, that their body image is plummeting and eating disorders and steroid use are on the rise, could it possible be that we've lost the healthy, balanced message in the middle, and aren't coping very well under all this pressure for perfection?

I want you to stop telling yourself you are pathetic, fat, undesirable, unattractive and destined to be alone. Stop the cycle of negative talk, and take action to feel better about yourself. I don't know if you're in a healthy weight range or not, but everyone can benefit from physical activity, especially in our beautiful Northern Rivers area, and as summer starts hitting high gear. Pick some new hobbies to try that are both social and active. Perhaps join a club or a class with a friend, if you don't want to venture into a new activity alone, but make sure you choose something that takes you well out of your usual routine, so that you can meet new people. Don't try to use these activities as a means to hook up with anyone – simply get out to enjoy people's company, and make some nice new friends who will help you improve your body image and self esteem. And you're your body image is great, and your self esteem is really firing, because you just feel so good about yourself, and you really do think you are an attractive person, then you will attract others to you, and you won't feel alone, or be alone. You may also consider counselling if you feel really down, and your body image issues are complex and steeped in a difficult personal history. Otherwise, try some affirmations. Positive self talk, whether through hypnotherapy, affirmation cards, books, and cd's etc radically improve a person's self image and outlook on life. In fact, US psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky's research on happiness and satisfaction led to 8 steps toward a more satisfying life:

1. Count your blessings. You might do this in a "gratitude journal" or through prayer.
2. Practice acts of kindness.
3. Savour life's joys. Pay attention when things are good – especially the little things!
4. Thank a mentor, or someone who made a difference in your life.
5. Learn to forgive. Let go of negativity toward others, and toward yourself.
6. Invest time and energy in friends and family.
7. Develop strategies for coping with stress and hardships.
8. Take care of your body – so that it is healthy for your unique self

My partner loves a particular sexual position which I find really uncomfortable. In fact, I actually dislike it, I feel contorted like a sexual aerobics competitor, and disconnected from my partner. And sometimes I can feel a bit of pain afterwards. I'm not sure how to tell him not to do it because he loves it so. What can I say?

Sex is not an aerobic activity, by definition. Yes, sex is great for the circulatory system, and research shows that people who have sex regularly over their lifespan suffer fewer heart attacks, but sex as an aerobic sport? No. In fact, it's not even that fat burning – as many would believe (or hope). Actually, the average session of lovemaking burns about as many calories as are in one apple. Unless, of course, you are making love in a particularly sheet sizzling, muscle fatiguing, body drenching way! At its essence, sex is a shared activity – between both partners. And because sex is about connection between two individuals, mutual pleasure is gained through the shared sexual experience which emphasises the pleasure of both those involved. If your partner enjoys sex with you in a position which you find psychologically or emotionally objectionable, or physically uncomfortable, or both, it's important that you express this to you partner. Do not expect your partner to read your mind (or your body), and 'automatically' know that you don't feel the same pleasurable sensations from the position that he does. Research shows that women find sex more pleasurable when they feel intimately connected to their partner – through eye contact, major skin contact, and kissing. So if the position your partner enjoys most makes you feel disconnected from him, know that you are not alone in feeling decreased pleasure as a result. Also, feeling pain either during or after sex can be a concern. Sex should never be painful, and in fact, pain during or after sexual intercourse is called 'dyspareunia' and should be checked by your GP as sometimes (though not always) it can indicate an underlying gynaecological problem. If, however, your pain occurs through the strenuous position you describe as 'sexual aerobics', it's important that you communicate to your partner that as much as you adore sex with him, that particular position isn't pleasurable for you. Granted, this can be an awkward conversation to have. It's important to be sensitive to your partner's ego, his sense that he may feel rejected or hurt by critique of lovemaking, and to acknowledge that you know he loves and receives great pleasure from that position. Suggest that instead, you try a new position, one that you can both share equal satisfaction from. Research shows that one small change in a position, whether from how you position your hips or limbs, can radically transform how sexual stimulation feels, and can also revolutionise your sex life. Once you find a position, after a fun-fuelled amount of 'sexperimentation', that works for you, and for your partner, heap on the praise for positive reinforcement. He'll get more excited about a new position that you verbally and physically express satisfaction and joy for, than the old one that he found singularly rewarding. Research also shows that 85% of men wish their partner would take more initiative in sex, choosing the when, where, and how. Take advantage of this opportunity to make great, lasting positive changes in your sex life that work for you both in the long – and steamy – run!

My nearly two year old son has developed a fascination with his penis and plays with himself at every opportunity. I've tried keeping his clothes on as much as possible, but he continues to remove his nappy and shorts. I'm not sure whether to acknowledge and correct his behaviour, or ignore it. Everyone I've asked has a different opinion. Will drawing attention to his behaviour by correcting it give him hang ups later on?

I can understand how this can be a confusing and distressing situation, especially for an aware parent, such as yourself, trying to consider your best option, based on potential long-term effects and child development. What we know from the research is that healthy child development includes curiosity about their bodies, and how they work, and especially how good they feel. Your son has discovered his penis! He's worked out that touching it feels good! You haven't told me how long he's had this personal fascination, but if it's only been a short time, chances are it's a phase as he discovers this wondrous feel-good part of his body initially. After a time, his fascination will decrease as he becomes more interested in other new curiosities and challenges in his ever-expanding world. However, regardless of whether this is an intense but brief phase, or not, there are some good ways to handle a child touching themselves. It's understandable that everyone has an opinion, and shares it with you – this is often the case in all matters of parenting, not just sexual queries. The research indicates that the best approach is to acknowledge the behaviour, and get him to change direction. Don't 'correct' him in the sense that you convey to him that touching himself is BAD, that his genitals are 'dirty' and 'naughty, naughty, don't touch yourself!'. Parents, in a slight state of panic at their child pleasurably diddling in front of house guests, or in the shopping queue, can sometimes give an exaggerated response (they often don't mean to), which translates a negative message to the child. As long as you don't ignore the situation (silence speaks volumes about the genitals and anything sexual being negative or taboo), and you don't over-correct in a negative way, you won't be doing your child any harm in the long or short term. Acknowledge what he's doing, ask him to stop because this isn't the time or place, and redirect his focus onto something else. And start using these 'teachable moments' for furthering his sexuality education. Start teaching him about his body, how it works, including his sexual body. Treat all of his body as natural and amazing. Sexuality education for children today occurs slowly over time, at educational opportunities, not in one 'birds and the bees' talk in which everyone involved is embarrassed! Parents are often concerned that if they give too much information too early this will influence their child to become 'sexually active' at an early age. In fact, the opposite is true: parents who are 'askable' to their child, who answer questions, and provide information, role model positive communication skills, provide information for healthy decision making, and instil good self esteem, confidence and body image. In today's society especially, being a proactive parent who talks to your child about sexuality – any issue big or small – has never been more important. As a parent, you've got a more difficult job ahead, than I do as a sexologist, so my hat's off to you!

Talking to your kids about Sex: Tips for Parents

1. Seize the moment – watch TV and listen to music with your kids and use the media as a spring board to talking about issues.
2. Be clear about teaching your children your values when it comes to sex. Schools teach the 'plumbing', not your values.
3. Answer questions directly, clearly, with as little embarrassment as possible. Your non-verbal communication to them is as loud as what you say.
4. Don't be afraid to give them information. Even if you give them a long answer to a quick question, they'll 'switch off' when their curiosity is satisfied. You can do more damage by withholding information, than by empowering them with knowledge.
5. Be an "askable parent": always remind your children that they can ask you anything. And when they do, don't say, "I don't know! Why are you asking me this?"!

I've always faked orgasms with partners because I'm shy about how long it takes me to come, and now I don't know how to break the habit – help!

This is a tricky situation to be in, but you can – and should – break the habit of faking. You do yourself no favours by faking because partners can't learn what really pleasures you, leaving you trapped in a vicious circle . You should also remember that lots of women take anywhere from 5 to 55+ minutes to come, and fewer than 30% of women can orgasm through intercourse, so you're not out of the ordinary. There are several things you can do to help you get more confident (and speedy!) First, learn to masturbate yourself so you become familiar with your own sexual response and the various ways you can reach orgasm. This alone can help women to achieve orgasm reliably as they learn what kinds of pressures and rhythms they need to climax. When you're with a partner, give positive feedback when he's doing something that really pleases you, so he knows to keep going, and if it's not quite working, take his hand and gently direct him, or use your hand along with his to bring you to orgasm. Some people find this embarrassing, because they feel that 'great sex' means you can read each other's minds, and you need no communication between the sheets. This is a misunderstanding of good sex, though. In fact, GREAT sex requires communication, flirtation, shared touching, guidance and connection. It's perfectly okay, better than okay, to reach down and bring you to orgasm using both your and his hands, together. Remember, in general, men want to please their women, so a genuine orgasm will always boost his sexual self-esteem, and also his desire for you even more. If you're still worried it's taking too long, take breaks, switch the attention back to him and pleasuring him, and then back to you. And if that still isn't working, try using sex toys, especially powerful little vibrators, which will make you come much more easily. You can use a vibrator on him, as well as on you, so that it feels like a pleasure game, rather than a sex aid. Be honest, playful, forthright and make pleasure a genuine, joyful experience, not a faked habit.

In the unforgettable scene in the film, When Harry Met Sally, 'Sally', played by actor Meg Ryan, demonstrated how convincing faking an orgasm can be. Both men and women can fake orgasms without their partner ever realising the truth. The statistics on how many women and men fake orgasms are mysterious and unreliable, precisely because those who fake it are not likely to admit doing it, or to the frequency of doing it. However, some statistics include:

• Only 26% of women report reaching orgasm 'all the time'.
• 13% of women have never experienced an orgasm with their current partner.
• 43% of women have faked orgasm.
• 78% of men versus 64% of women consider the big O important to their sexual pleasure. Which means most of us desire orgasm, and consider it important, but nearly half of all women are … faking

My husband and I spend more time fighting than just about anything else. We've been married now for several years, but sometimes it just feels like one, long Civil War. Is this just the nature of our relationship? Or is there a better way? I love him. But when we fight, we fight. Over everything. How do we negotiate a cease-fire?

It sounds as though this relationship has some serious communication issues – as in, you don't. Communication is a two way street, with each person equally speaking and listening. When couples fight, the listening part usually flies out the window, and there's no two way traffic, unless of course, you're just trading insults. Fighting isn't the nature of your relationship, but rather how it is because you both have let turn into that. Surely you didn't fight during your first date? During the courtship, it must have been passionate enough and happy enough for you both to choose to be together. Granted, there's a lot of passion in fighting, and then making up, but you describe your relationship as a Civil War, and one where you fight over everything. That doesn't indicate passion to me, but rather some unresolved issues and unhappiness that one, or both, of you haven't dealt with, so instead it finds its way between you through agitations, disagreements and conflict, putting you at loggerheads. It's perfectly acceptable (and even healthy) for couples to fight sometimes, but certainly not incessantly. My advice is that you see a relationship counsellor. They'll be able to help you deal with the frustrations and problems, and also teach you both how to effectively communicate so you don't automatically turn to fighting and screaming at each other as your primary response. If you want your relationship to survive, get some counselling to help turn your partnership into a love club rather than a fight club. Principles of effective communication:

• Leveling: involves stating your thoughts and feelings clearly, using "I" language. Place the emphasis of your point squarely with you, by stating "I feel… or I think…" rather than "You are… or You're always…". Starting statements or arguments with "You…" can often put your partner on the defensive and lead to miscommunication or destructive fights.
• Editing: means that you don't say things that would deliberately hurt your partner. Even when you're fighting, you limit your comments to the current, relevant context.
• Validating: refers to telling your partner that, given their point of view, you can understand where they are coming from, and how they feel or think the way they do.
• Volatile dialogue: is heated discussion with the goal of true conflict resolution, as opposed to below the belt fighting or circular verbal brawls that only achieve emotional maiming. Research shows that couples who argue constructively report higher levels of relationship satisfaction than those who battle wits and work, and even those who never fight

My husband is avoiding sex, using the old 'Sorry, honey, I have a headache' excuse. I thought men always wanted sex. Do you think he's lost interest in me? And what can I do about it?

Ok, first of all, men don't want sex all the time. The idea that all men are randy horny devils that think about sex every five seconds is a stereotype and a myth. Your husband may be avoiding sex for a variety of reasons – and it may not have anything to do with you, or his interest in you. Men's libidos fluctuate for many reasons, such as fatigue, stress, illness, anxiety, financial worries, work deadlines, low energy levels, low self esteem, and more. It's understandable to be concerned if your husband has developed a pattern of avoiding sex. You could try seducing your husband, but it would probably be more effective in the long run, if you talked with him about his current pattern of declining sex. Ask him what's going on, but don't be surprised if he really does say "headaches". Contrary to popular belief, sexual headaches are not entirely psychological or pretense. Known as coital cephalagias, sexual headaches are those throbbing headaches that occur just before or during sex. And men are four times more likely to suffer from these sexual headaches than women. Yes, you read that right! So while it might feel to you that your husband has lost interest in you, he might just be telling you the truth, and genuinely suffering from sexual headaches. There are four types of sexual headaches:

1. Muscle contraction headaches: usually focused around the head and neck, they are caused by the tensing of muscles during sex. Muscle relaxation techniques can help reduce their severity and frequency.
2. Vascular headaches: caused by increased blood pressure during sex, they are characterized by sudden explosive pain at the moment of orgasm. See your GP if you suffer from this sexual headache as prescription medication for blood pressure may be required.
3. Postural headaches: usually occur when having sex in a sitting or standing position, and are thought to be caused by low cerebrospinal fluid pressure due to slight damage surrounding the spinal column. They are unusual, and the only solution is to simply have sex lying down or in more comfortable positions.
4. Drug-related headaches: a more common form of headache, these are brought on by the combination of alcohol or drug-use (legal and illegal) and sex. Drugs such as marijuana and cocaine can cause headaches by affecting the brain, as well as lowering or raising blood pressure. Alcohol, especially red wine, can trigger vascular or migraine headaches. Moderation and common sense help reduce the frequency and severity of these kinds of headaches.

If you experience severe skull-splitting sexual headaches, accompanied by nausea or vomiting, see your GP. Regardless of the type of sexual headache a man, or woman, may experience, find the cause, and then the solution. Sex should not be a headache, and a headache should not be an excuse.

I have been sharing a house with a great guy for nine months. We both have busy independent lives. He has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. But recently I think we both made a big mistake. After a mutual friend's party we arrived home at the same time and fell into bed together. Now we're avoiding each other. Should I move out? Should I sleep with him again? Or should we just pretend it didn't happen?

I notice you haven't asked whether or not you should confess to your boyfriend! Verrrry interesting! Should you sleep with your housemate again? Absolutely not until you've each separated from your respective current partners. You cannot possibly pull off a secret affair successfully with a housemate. It's too close quarters, and someone is going to get caught or, at the very least, extremely jealous. I would advise against pretending it didn't happen too. That awkward tension will only build. And given that your housemate is a "great guy", and someone you would consider sleeping with again, that awkward tension could morph into intense sexual tension, making mid-week midnight visits to one another's bedrooms down the hall a temptation difficult to resist. If you want to salvage your current relationship with your boyfriend, move out. Think of it this way: if your boyfriend confessed to you that he had a one-night stand with his female housemate, you'd likely feel a lot happier about forgiving him if she was out of the house and out of the picture. If you want to stay with your boyfriend, then that means either you, or the "great guy" has to go. And you might want to think about being honest with your boyfriend (revealing this transgression is your choice, and you have to live with the consequences of telling him about this difficult situation, or not). If you want to pursue your great-guy-housemate as a regular bedmate, then by all means, play house together – but only if you're both single. Your home should be a love nest, not a love triangle.

How to tell your partner something difficult:

• Don't put it off.
• Don't make it about them. Take responsibility for your part.
• Don't have this kind of talk in a public place. That's the coward's option.
• Do some self analysis or reflection so you are able to talk about the issue. Be prepared for their questions, beyond answering 'I don't know', which isn't helpful to getting beyond the difficulty.
• Do share your feelings.
• Do ask them for a reaction, and for their thoughts, and accept them for what they are.
• Do find the lessons learned, discuss them with your partner, and integrate them into your relationship.

I'm having a really frustrating sex life, as my partner has a real problem with premature ejaculation, but won't even talk about it let alone seek help. I love him but can't handle the 20 second sex (ok, sometimes it's a couple of minutes, but that's still not enough, it feels too fast) – where do we go from here?

I know this situation can seem bleak, however in a way you're lucky. Seriously, you're lucky because premature, or rapid ejaculation as it's now known, is considered one of the most straightforward and effectively treatable sexual dysfunctions. Some sex therapists boast a 98% client success rate. The key is to recondition the sexual response so that stimulation doesn't speed up the desire to orgasm, but rather maintains a slow, steady pace for arousal. A series of exercises called either the "stop-start" or "squeeze-tease" method, designed by famed sex therapist couple Masters and Johnson, can help change this sexual response. There are detailed descriptions of these exercises in my book, URGE (in the chapter called Speedy Gonzales), or you can visit a sex therapist who will describe them for you and guide your partner through addressing the triggers that may be causing his rapid sexual response. Ideally, a man starts the squeeze tease treatment process on his own through masturbation, before moving on to the stage of trying the exercises as a couple. It is very important not to rush the process, and follow each step, sequentially, in the method. It's also vital not to buy into gimmicks like desensitising lotions, or any potions on the internet that make outlandish claims. If it seems to good to be true – and too easy – then it probably is. The most effective, successful treatment is behavioural, not topical (although, like Viagra, the little blue pill, there is a pill for rapid ejaculation in research development, but it hasn't been released yet. No doubt, when it is, it will be amber in colour – for 'slow down'!). For now, follow the steps, him alone first, then both of you together, and trust me, in a few months 20-second sex will be a distant memory. And there's an added bonus: the process of treating the problem often strongly connects couples and creates a new openness and intimacy together, as you rediscover each other's sensuality, so in addition to a cure, expect many positive changes to your sex life! Dealing with a sexual problem in a relationship:

1. Acknowledge the issue with each other. Many couples suffer in silence needlessly because they refuse to discuss the problem. Sometimes the solution is simple and straightforward. And even if it's not, as a couple it's often better to tackle it as a team, than leave it as the Great Unsaid in the bedroom.
2. Do your research. Knowledge is power. A sexual problem can seem insurmountable when you don't know anything about the causes or treatment options. Learn about it through books or websites (reliable educational ones only).
3. Seek advice from a trained professional. Sexual problems, in my view, need to be addressed holistically by someone qualified in sexology or related disciplines such as medicine and psychology.
4. Have reasonable goals, and know that with time, patience and open communication, every sexual problem has an appropriate solution. Honestly.

I have recently found out that my partner was abused sexually as a child. I've been married to her for over ten years, but only recently did she confide this to me. She now says she no longer wants to have sex, and doesn't know when she might ever want to have sex again. I want to support her, but this is hard for me, too. It feels like this has come out of the blue. What can I do to help my partner enjoy sex again?

I get a lot of letters on the subject of child sexual abuse – from survivors, but also from partners, like yourself. While there is support and therapy available for survivors to heal, there often isn't a lot of organised support for partners and family members of survivors. We're lucky in the Northern Rivers area to have a unique service that offers that support. The Heartfelt House, located in Alstonville, is a community organisation dedicated to providing support for adult survivors of child sexual abuse, including offering counselling, workshops and drop-in mornings for family members and partners of survivors. While The Heartfelt House is gearing up for more structured sessions and support in 2006, you can certainly phone or email them for advice until then.

Many people don't acknowledge the strain, concern, and stress the partner can feel while their loved one goes through the healing as an adult survivor of child sexual abuse. Mainly because the focus is on the survivor, and everyone else is expected to be there to support them. It can take years for an adult survivor to want to face their childhood abuse and trauma, and then months or years of healing to feel like they can be healthily intimate with their partner, or anyone, again. This is a process they need to go through, and everyone is unique, so when your wife tells you she just doesn't know when she might be comfortable being touched again, give her credit for being honest, and being open. But also, it's important that someone be there for you too. If not your wife, in an emotional sense or affectionate way, then another support person to serve as your sounding board for you to discuss your worries and frustrations with. It's natural to feel this has come 'out of the blue' and to feel some degree of negativity, however to work through this issue as a couple, you need open communication – something The Heartfelt House can provide through their workshops and support groups. Some couples can give each other a time limit on space – for example, they may say within 6-12 months, the survivor can have all the room and privacy they need to heal, and then you start working as a couple to heal together, and initiate touch in a positive, non-threatening way, conditioning love, and sex, back into your relationship in a safe and healthy context. It's often best if you have guidance through this process, if not from a service like The Heartfelt House, then with a trusted, trained counsellor, psychologist or sexologist. Yes, this is a hard situation for you, but if you listen to your wife's story as a survivor, and you both vow to be there as much as you can for each other, you really can write a new, healthy, affectionate, positive, story together in time … with a sexy happy ending.

I want a divorce from my husband, but I don't know how to go about it. We're still living together, basically as companions, but occasionally we still have sex together, even though we no longer share a bedroom. I want more out of life and feel convinced leaving is the right thing for me. I'm afraid of hurting our children, even though they're grown and out of the house, and every time I say to my husband I want to split, he says I'm free to just leave, but he'll fight me until I get nothing. I feel powerless, what can I do? Should I leave or stay?

Without knowing the complete details of your situation, I simply can't answer in a column whether you should stay or go. This is a personal decision you have to make on your own. As a sexologist, I'm in the business of trying to help couples work out problems and stay together if that's right for them. Sometimes, though, it isn't right for couples to stay together. If you have absolutely made up your mind to get a divorce, then you will take steps to getting one, even if it's a first step such as getting some practical advice from a counsellor or lawyer. If there is a part of you that wants to try to make the marriage work, then perhaps that's why you are staying. If you do really want to leave, and you feel intimidated or threatened by your partner into staying, then this is when you need support – smart support.

There is a service on the Internet that can help you with all your divorce needs, and questions. Called, "I Don't", it is Australia's Divorce Directory. "I Don't" recognises that when a relationship breaks down, it's a difficult time for everyone involved, and that the decisions and steps that need to occur can be hard to handle alone. Making practical decisions can often feel impossible when clouded by emotion. "I Don't" provides FREE information to help you help yourself, and most importantly, become informed about the process of divorce.

So, if you are serious about splitting from your husband, I suggest you empower yourself with knowledge, rather than allowing yourself to stay in a situation in which you are unhappy. Your children are grown and no longer living with you, so it's time to think of your own happiness. You will need to explain your decision to them, but it is certainly a different process than if your children were still little and custody needed to be negotiated.

Even though you still currently live with your spouse, if you genuinely want to break up, stop having sex! By having sex, even if it is purely for physical release, convenience, or because you're both accustomed to that regular, if infrequent, intimacy with each other, the act of sex binds you together. If you truly want to leave your relationship, you absolutely must cut off sexual ties for a clean break. Otherwise you run the risk of sending mixed messages and making the process of divorce, if you go through with it, a potentially lengthy and confusing one. If, however, you are of two minds about splitting, seeing a counsellor would be an excellent idea to help you gain clarity about your relationship, and your goals for yourself at this time in your life, and for your future.

Whether you pursue a divorce or not, you might find "I Don't" a very helpful service because of its comprehensive directory, including its discussion forums, where you can chat with others who are in a similar situation to yours. You can stop feeling powerless with a few clicks on the Internet, and enter into a world of knowledge and support. Good luck and all my sincere wishes for you, in making the informed decision which is right for you.

I Don't:

Australia's Divorce Directory provides information on nearly every question people have when facing, and going through, divorce, including but not limited to:

• Loneliness issues
• Kids and the new partner
• Can I be made to sell my house?
• How to break up
• Being the instigator
• Living alone again
• Court/legal issues
• Dispute resolution
• De Facto law
• Counselling
• Finance advice
• Starting Over
• Dating after Divorce
• Visit www.i-dont.com.au for further information

My new boyfriend wants me to talk dirty to him in bed but I'm embarrassed and don't know where to start. I'm willing to try, especially because I know it's something he really loves, but I think I'm going to feel foolish talking explicitly like that. What advice can you give me?

A lot of women, and men, get embarrassed when they even think about 'talking dirty' in bed, so you're certainly not alone in feeling hesitant to try it. Uttering the words that reflect our urges creates heightened arousal, both mentally and physically. Often, talking dirty goes hand in hand with fantasy, so to charge up your most important sexual organ, your brain, perhaps read some erotic stories, filled with sexual language and descriptions to not only give you creative ideas, but to get you more familiar and comfortable with the words. If you're afraid of feeling 'foolish', or have some 'performance anxiety' about talking dirty, don't jump into it straight away. Before talking, work up to expressing your sexual desires and feelings. First, try writing some saucy 'lust letters' to your boyfriend. They might start a little hotly romantic, before becoming explicit. This will help you get used to using the words, but it's often easier to write them down before progressing to saying them out loud in bed. These lust letters will also get him really fired up, and excited to go to bed with you! When you're in bed, you can start in a couple of ways: talk 'romantic dirty' rather than getting straight into the 'hard-core' vocabulary. Or if you want to try talking really dirty, many people find it's less embarrassing if you role play with your partner. Pretend you're other people, meeting for a raunchy one-night stand together. Being someone else creates a distance and you can get into the act, like it isn't you at all, but your naughty alter ago. People cross lines in the bedroom, during fantasy that they'd never dare to outside a sexual context. Men and women can be turned on by saying things in the bedroom that simply don't apply in the rest of their lives. Some partners can get excited playing a submissive role, while others find being dominant a hot turn on. If you're still having trouble, get your boyfriend to ask you questions in bed, and you can then answer them or echo what he says, that way the pressure to be creatively saucy isn't all on you. If you still think talking directly and 'dirty' in bed is too forward, try some dirty teases outside the bedroom. Sex talk can be very exciting when it's illicit and secretive, such as at a cocktail party, the movie theatre, the markets – any romantic or random place when the mood strikes you. Reach over to your partner and whisper one line, or one thought, to charge them up. Men are very turned on by visual sexual cues – the power of lingerie and a hint of sexy beauty can never be underestimated, but men are also turned on by hearing erotic cues too. Sex talk, especially outside the bedroom, can raise the arousal in the body, and surge sex hormones, which make immediate anticipation for sex – then or later – very intense. Remember talking dirty should enhance your sex experience together, not add a stressful pressure which could detract from the pleasure of being together. And finally, don't expect to be totally comfortable with it at first. Practice makes perfect – perfectly, naughtily dirrrrty.

My boyfriend doesn't give me much oral sex. After a long time, I raised the issue with him. He is now better at foreplay, but still rarely goes down on me. I don't know what to do as I really love receiving oral sex and I feel that it's a bit unfair, as I give a lot to him. He said that he has never been very much into it.

Well, this does sound a bit unfair …especially since you love to receive oral sex. Sex, though, isn't necessarily an equal formula of 'everything I do for you, you must do for me' – after all, many partners have various likes and dislikes when it comes to sex, and finding the balance of pleasure in the sexual relationship is often more rewarding than finding the balance of power and deeds. What I'm saying is, rather than try to get your boyfriend to do down on you, because you do it to him, try to encourage him to give you oral sex, because you like it so much! That's the main reason – try not to get into a 'tit for tat' situation in your sex life, but rather focus on mutual satisfaction … however it comes.

There are many ways to encourage more mutual oral sex into your lovemaking. First and foremost, continue what you're doing to focus on foreplay. Women who experience orgasm during foreplay report greater enjoyment during intercourse, and a greater likelihood of reaching orgasm again during penetration. This is because a woman's sexual arousal is still at its peak and it can be much easier for her to have a second or third orgasm during penetration, rather than try to bring her sexual response all the way up to the first climax, especially if, as in most cases, penetration isn't reaching or stimulating her clitoris (essential for orgasm!). Explain to your partner that you love oral sex, and partly it's because the pleasure and orgasm you receive allows you to enjoy sex with him even more (men often love compliments!).

Make your foreplay fun. Accentuate the positives and eliminate the negatives! When incorporating more oral play into your bedroom loving time, focus on the play more than the oral, at least at first. Buy chocolate body paint, and paint each other's skin and lick it off. Draw your sexy words and illustrations lower and lower. Use honey and chocolate sauce, and play sexy dare games. Place sexual bets on anything and everything in your life and use oral sex as the winner takes all. Buy a pair of 'love dice' in a sex or novelty shop. One die has body parts and the other die has types of touching (nibble, fondle, tickle, suck, kiss) and have a roll in the hay with the love dice. Buy a 'pussysnorkel' ( www.pussysnorkel.com – yes, there really is such a thing!) and give it to your boyfriend as a gift. It's a fun toy designed for oral sex in a bath or spa. Buy flavoured oral sex drops to enhance the down under experience. There are lots of playful ways to bring loving kisses into your lovemaking, just by using a little creativity. Have fun!

The Low Down on Going Down:

• The University of NSW surveyed 4000 first-year students aged 19 or younger about oral sex.
• Over half of the students were virgins, with 41% of females having experienced cunnilingus in 1990 and 57% in 1999.
• 40% of females had performed fellatio in 1990 and by 1999 that rose to 56%.
• The number of females who performed fellatio on a casual partner rose from 12% in 1990 to 22% in 1999.
• The bottom line: while once oral sex was considered experimental, it is now considered a mainstream sexual activity

I have heard a lot in the media about drink spiking, yet I don't know anyone who has had their drink actually spiked. Is it as big a problem as the media is making it out to be? And if it is, how are young women supposed to protect themselves?

You're right, there has been a resurgence of media interest lately about drink spiking. About this time of the year, for the last few years, the media start warning the public, particularly young women and girls, about the danger of potential drink spiking. I think partly this has to do with the fact that summer is here, and the amount of rowdy clubbing increases as the holiday season and warm weather arrives. In fact, drink spiking can be a problem year round, and while young females are the primary targets, anyone can have their drink spiked at any age, by anyone of any age, and gay and straight males can be targeted too.

There are a lot of alarming emails circulating about drink spiking, and like most email forwards, it's important to view them with caution. Drink spiking certainly is a problem, and a growing one, but for every horrendous tale of someone having their drink spiked, there are more, many, many more, stories of sexual assault that occur without drink spiking.

Drink spiking is essentially adding, without consent or knowledge, a substance into a drink. Usually drink spiking is done with harmful or malicious intent, such as drug or alcohol facilitated sexual assault, and sometimes it is done as a (bad) prank. The media campaigns about drink spiking focus on the danger of having your drink altered by a drug. Most common drugs are sleeping pills, gamma hydroxy butyrate, ketamine, and flunitrazepam (otherwise known as Rohypnol). In fact, what is not widely known, is that far more drinks are actually spiked with alcohol. Someone may top up a drink into a double or triple, rather than lace it with drugs. Drugs are harder to obtain than alcohol. It's more common, yet the least accentuated in the media, and reported less, to have one's drink spiked by an extra addition of alcohol. Many times someone may taste the extra alcohol, or the laced drug in their drink, and sense right away that something is wrong. But if someone has had a few drinks already, they may not notice at all.

If a friend seems like they are excessively drunk, suddenly 'not holding their liquour', talk of spinning, giddiness, feeling literally legless, or about to pass out, seek help immediately from the bar staff or manager who should be trained and know what to do. Very often, medical attention is required. It's also important to tell the bar or club that someone has had their drink spiked there, because there is a concerted effort to minimise these events so that evenings out can be fun and safe. By letting them know, they can be on the look out to help prevent future problems.

Preventing Drink Spiking

• Unfortunately the emphasis for drink spiking prevention falls on the innocent public, rather than the offenders, but here are some basic safety guidelines:
• Go out with friends, and look out for each other's safety. Be aware who they're speaking with, and what your friends are drinking, and how much.
• Order your own drink, and watch it as it's poured.
• Keep your drink in your view at all times. Do not, for example, go to the dance floor and then return to your drink, unless a trusted friend has been holding it for you.
• Report any suspicious behaviour to the Management.
• For further information on drink spiking and drug and alcohol facilitated sexual assault you can contact your local area Sexual Assault Service or Rape Crisis Centre.

I've been dumped and I can't seem to get over it. It's just so awful, and I'm constantly sad and angry. It's affecting my work, and every aspect of my life. When I wake up I think about him, and then all day until I finally cry myself to sleep. It's been 8 weeks and the only improvement I've made is that I'm crying a little less. I want to throw myself at him, beg him to take me back, I desperately hope that he'll turn up at my house and say he's changed his mind. Is there anything I can do to either get him back, or get over him? I'm desperate for this torment to end.

Breaking up is hard to do – so the song says, and oh is it the truth! It can be absolutely heart wrenching to deal with a break up, especially when it wasn't your choice. Being the 'dumpee' can make things feel a hundred time worse, your sadness more intense … and it can drive perfectly sane and well adjusted people right around the bend with wild, desperate and obsessive thoughts and behaviour.

First of all, you are not alone. Anyone who has been dumped can remember (vividly recall even!) the absolute agony it causes. "This too shall pass" is cold comfort, but it will, it really, really will. Even though you feel like in eight weeks you haven't made much progress, you have: you're crying less. That's a good start. What you need to do now is take a more active role in getting over it. Because you're not just getting over him, you need to get over the relationship. See yourself as single and frame it in a positive. It's time to move on. Give yourself a catharsis, a cleansing from that relationship, liberate yourself and prepare yourself to move forward.

You can do this in several ways, such as box away all photos and mementos from your time together, pick a new sport and redirect your sad energy into something active that will get your body moving and endorphins flowing (natural feel good biochemicals that will give you a 'high' rather than the low you've been feeling), ask your friends for company and support so you don't feel alone, particularly at night, or have one final night to indulge talking about him and the relationship, and then say goodbye – do your own dumping of the relationship and then force yourself to start a new day, without crying or talking about him. Golden rules to Not Do: cradle his photo in bed crying for hours, drink alcohol and pick up the phone, have sex with the ex, indulge terrible fantasies of doing bad things to him, his house or car (you can write these down to get them out, then rip them up – is he really worth getting arrested over? No. And he's not going to be impressed or rescue you, either).

I know the torment you feel is intense, but after eight weeks, if he hasn't come back, he probably won't, and it's best to pick yourself up, reflect on what you learned from the relationship and encourage yourself to embrace a new phase in your life. Even going through the motions is a good start – your feelings will soon follow once you face forward and put one foot in front of the other. Don't keep looking back and throwing yourself at him, physically or emotionally. You've indulged your deep sadness for two months, and it's now time to take a more active role in directing the course of your own life. Even though this is difficult, it's for the best.

In fact, it's so hard for people to do, that a new, highly successful book has been written about it. Written by the same man who wrote the best-selling book, He's Just Not That Into You, Greg Behrendt (with his partner Amiira) have released It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken. A practical guide which gives sound advice, it also answers questions such as "But why does it still hurt?", "But what if our relationship was really great?", and "But how do you know we're not going to get back together?".

I recommend it for anyone who wants to indulge in the break up process, because they're not quite ready to let go, or they don't know how, and they're willing to learn a little too, while they're turning pages and sniffling and wiping their tears.

The Seven Commandments from It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken*:

• Don't see him or talk to him for 60 days
• Get yourself a break up buddy
• Get rid of his stuff and the things that remind you of him
• Get your ass in motion every day
• Don't wear your break up out into the world
• No backsliding!
• It won't work unless you are Number One!

*Book available from all good book shops. It makes a better gift to yourself, or to a recently dumped friend, than a tub of ice cream.

My 12 year old daughter asked me if I was a virgin when I married her dad, and when the right time to have sex is. Two uncomfortable and difficult questions asked of me in one breath! I didn't know what to say! What is your advice in a situation like this?

My advice would be
a) don't panic
b) try not to regard the questions as uncomfortable and difficult (kids pick up on this and it sends as strong a message non-verbally as anything you say)
c) be both honest and age appropriate.

As kids start to get older, a small but growing sense of dread and anxiety can begin to grow in the chests of many parents, knowing they will have to face "the sex issue" around puberty and beyond. I often field questions from parents who are near hysteria when they talk about how to manage their child's teen years. They feel the world has changed radically, and they won't be able to control their child. These are two common misconceptions. Yes, the world has changed, but effective child-parent communication is still based on openness and being approachable, and no you can't control a child as they grow into adults as much as guide them through adolescence and help navigate their decisions.

How open and honest you choose to be with your child is a matter of personal values. Some adults feel their sexual behaviour and choices are private, even from their curious children. Others however, believe that by sharing their past decisions, they can teach their children how to make good choices, prevent them from perhaps making some of the mistakes they did, or guide them to follow their same values. There is no guarantee of course that by sharing your values with your child they will follow them. However, if your 12 year old daughter is asking you these questions, it means several things: she's growing and developing and curious about relationships and adult decisions. She's looking to your guidance, and considers your experience a helpful navigational tool for her. And she feels open and comfortable to approach you about sexual topics. Instead of feeling uncomfortable and anxious, you should feel relieved and warmed! These are all good signs that your daughter wants to learn from you, and wants to know what you believe is right, so she can perhaps set her course by that marker.

You may have a particular set of guidelines to share with your child about when you think it might be right for them to start experimenting with sexual activity. It might be an age, or at a stage in a relationship, but "you'll know when the time is right" is rarely helpful to a growing teen – it's simply too vague. I have 4 Golden Guidelines that I like to share with parents and teens (see below) and these might be useful to you to get started with establishing your own guidelines with your child.

I encourage all parents to seize the teachable moments when parenting. Try not to freeze up and berate the child with an astonished or accusatory "Why are you asking me this?!", but rather, take a deep breath and answer them with an honesty that is age appropriate to the child. Being open now, at 12, will only serve to help your relationship and communication as she enters her teen years – and has even trickier questions and issues for you!

Dr Gabrielle's Four Golden Guidelines for young people to consider before engaging in sexual play, and sexual intercourse:

• You should be able to talk about sex with an adult – whether that is a parent, adult family member, doctor or adult friend.
• You should be able to talk about sex with your partner.
• You should be prepared for safer sex, which includes using condoms.
• You should know about pleasure – your own and your partner's.

If you can say yes to all four of those things, and engaging in sex fits with your values, and you feel ready, mature and confident for the intimacy and the responsibilities of sex, then you can start thinking abut having healthy, satisfying, great sex.

I love the holidays except for one thing – my partner and I bicker and fight all the time. We have family members that visit us every year, so the house is crowded, there is always so much to prepare and do, and she and I just seem to get on each other's nerves instead of support one another. How can we make the holidays fun for us as well?

Isn't it always the way? Holidays taken at home, rather than away at a wonderful resort, can be even more stressful than ordinary working life the rest of the year! This is a common phenomenon – the holiday period can be stressful because it's full of pressures to get everything organised, especially when you have people coming to stay. Entertaining takes some planning and structure, and on top of arranging holiday cards, meals, drinks, outings, sleeping arrangements, presents, etc – yes, it's a lot to do. Typically, partners tend to fight about money/financial burdens, which can really be felt during the holiday period, when they don't feel like the work load is shared evenly, or when they feel their experience or feelings are being acknowledged or validated. Any or all of these scenarios can occur during the holiday period.

The key is to try to strike a balance so that the work and arrangements get done, and you both still feel connected and on a holiday. This means finding a balance every day. You don't want to wear yourselves out rushing around like crazy, only to fall into a heap by Boxing Day, unable to move again until the New Year.

Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, the end of the year is a good time for a calendar, and calendars are great for planning. Sit down together and sort out who does what on each day so the tasks are evenly divided, and deadlines are met. This way stress is at a minimum, and so is the bickering, because each of you know what needs to be done, and who is to do it. Being organized at a chaotic time of year will actually free up more time for each other, and more time for fun.

As for supporting each other, the end of the year holidays is a great time to really indulge in your relationship with each other, and take time out to show each other your love. Not enough couples do this, as by late December, everyone is looking forward to the New Year, and not enough take the opportunity for some true romance.

You can romance and seduce each other by giving each other little tokens of love and appreciation each day – they don't have to be big, or expensive, just thoughtful. They might be a love note, or a series of cards across a week, with each one reflecting on a happy or sexy memory from the year, it might be a surprise beach picnic, or a series of hints about what you got them for Christmas. A little detail, once a day, is enough to spark a pleasurable day during the holidays (or anytime), when the rest of the day might be filled with renting tressle tables or fighting cues in shops for last minute Christmas lunch ingredients.

The most important ingredient for a happy holiday is love. Appreciate each other. Enjoy your family, your visitors and the holiday spirit, and make sure once a day you have time for just the two of you … and it will be a happy (low stress / high support) holiday this year.

New Year's Resolutions

Each year, people make resolutions to 'fix' something. A bad habit, or making a better lifestyle change. Why not integrate your love life into the mix for 2006? Here are some ideas to get you thinking …

1. Make a pact to try something new once a month
2. Agree to plan a trip away for just the two of you this year
3. Make the 14th of every month your Love Day
4. Take up a sport or hobby together as a couple
5. Kiss passionately every day

I'd like to know how I can boost my libido naturally. I am very careful about what I put in my body, I embrace alternative health, and I don't like to take medication unless I absolutely have to. I've found over the past few years (I'm 39) that my libido hasn't been as high as when I first married my husband ten years ago. We don't have any children, so I can't use that excuse! What supplements are good for libido?

In this current era of medicalising our approach to sexuality and sexual behaviour, it's refreshing to hear someone want to research a natural approach. In fact, the trials on Viagra for women haven't been successful, and while there are other medical treatments for sexual function and libido being researched, such as testosterone therapy, and DHEA supplements, there is a bevy of natural ingredients for you to try in the meantime. However, many people don't know that as much as 75% of patented medications are actually derived from herbs. And not just sexual treatments, but treatments for a range of things from malaria (quinine) and heart disease (digoxin is derived from leaves from the foxglove plant – which is poisonous so don't eat it in its natural form!). There is a large cross over between natural and alternative medications, and pharmaceuticals. These days, many pharmaceutical researchers are focusing on identifying plants with medicinal properties – called phytopharmaceuticals.

As with any supplement, it's important to discuss side effects and any potential effects that can occur by mixing a natural supplement with other medications, and even other natural supplements you might be on, so before trying any of the sex herbs listed, please consult your GP and naturopath or other health practitioner.

Some of nature's ingredients that purport to boost libido, especially for women include: Damiana, epimedium (sometimes known as yin-yang), fenugreek, fo-ti root (knotweed), alfalfa, anise, saw palmetto, North American black cohosh (powdered), parsely, chasteberry (good for menopausal women and sex drive), Dong Quai (a traditional Chinese herb also good for menopausal women and sex drive), South American quebracho bark, ginger root, licorice, soy, wild yam root and fennel. Here's an important note: some of the above should never be taken by pregnant women, including wild yam root and fenugreek, so if you are, or might be pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, it's very important that you stay away from supplements until you've discussed them with your doctor.

Some of the supplements are available from natural health food shops, others from homeopathic distributors and Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioners, while others, particularly the North American ones are more difficult to obtain here in Australia. Some of the simpler ones, though, such as ginger, licorice and soy, can be easily integrated into your diet (consult a naturopath for dosage instructions). Be aware that some natural supplements can take a few weeks before any effect is felt, so patience is also a critical ingredient to the natural approach to reinvigorating your sex drive. If you want more information, a more comprehensive guide is available from the book, Sex Herbs: Nature's Sex Enhancers for Men and Women – available online or to order.

If however, after a few weeks, you find your sex drive hasn't increased, you may consider a few other options: 1) getting more sleep – libido requires rest just like any other system in the body, and 2) getting a saliva hormone profile done by a doctor. A saliva hormone profile can often show a more specific picture, and can indicate where the source of your low libido is. Specific strategies, including supplements from a compounding chemist, to address those hormone levels may then help.

Buyer Beware!

When using herbal supplements in general, and for your sex life, beware of the following:

1. Side effects and cautions when mixing with other supplements and medications
2. Dosages
3. Internet claims and bogus scams
4. The source of the content – make sure your source is reputable and that you are getting exactly what the label says, and the label lists ALL the ingredients
5. Your expectations are not too high. These are supplements, not cure-alls.

Sex with my husband is always quick. I don't mean that he has premature ejaculation, but that all the loving seems to have disappeared from our love life. Sex seems routine, and there's hardly any foreplay. How can I encourage him to take a bit more time (like he used to years ago) without denting his ego or making him defensive?

Aha. This is what I like to call The Maintenance Sex Syndrome. There's nothing wrong with maintenance sex – that kind of sex couples have that's familiar, does the job (generally), and connects the two of you physically and emotionally … but is a bit perfunctory, and not really that special. Most couples can have a fair bit of maintenance sex. The desire to couple is there, but the energy to 'pull out all the stops' isn't. The only thing really wrong with maintenance sex is when it becomes the only sex you have.

A good sex life is peppered with variety, creativity, imagination, time, generosity, thoughtfulness and excitement. All of these things go beyond maintenance sex, and they're important for partners to feel sexually satisfied, especially over time.

When couples first get together, the thrill of being together is brand new. You're discovering each other, every new experience is an adventure, and every moment together deepens the intimacy shared between you. Your bodies pump with 'love chemicals' propelling you to want to spend as much time together as possible, and you each become the centre of each other's worlds. Seduction, and attention to detail in, and out, of the bedroom is at its height.

For most couples, over time, this intense, passionate infatuation subdues into a more constant love that is more familiar than wildly exciting. There is still a lot of motivation to bond, and to love, but not as much to seduce, flirt and titillate. So, in essence, the situation you find yourself in with your husband is not unusual at all. There are many other partners (men and women) who would relate very much to the scenario of 'our sex life is mildly boring instead of mind blowing'.

So then – to fix this, a refresher course in Seduction 101 is needed. And not just for him. The best way to reinvigorate a sex life is to take responsibility for it yourself, and to share it, instead of chastising your partner for not doing it. Show him the way! 85% of men would like their partner to take a more active role in sex by initiating it more, and in more creative ways, so take some initiative and use some creativity! You won't be denting his ego – you'll be exciting him!

Plan some fun, sexy nights to remind each other of the passion you share, and get out of the routine of maintenance sex. Try to give each other special attention twice a month for three months to re-establish a new pattern. Some ideas might include to plan an aphrodisiac meal, use a new sex toy, lure them away for surprise sex in a new location, arrange for the kids to be gone for a whole weekend, write them a sex fantasy or a love note, make them a book of love coupons to cash in over the next 3 months – the ideas are nearly endless, it's just up to you to make the time to step out of your familiar pattern, and spark your sexual imagination … and then encourage him to follow suit! And remember, there's sex for procreation, and sex for recreation – and forePLAY is a big part of the fun!

The importance of foreplay (with the emphasis on play, frolic and fun) has been endorsed for centuries, by some of the authors of the world's most famous sex manuals, from the Kama Sutra and Ananga Ranga, as well as The Perfumed Garden:

"Oh you men who seek for the love and affection of women and desire to retain them, see that you frolic before copulation. Prepare her for the enjoyment and let nothing be neglected to attain this end. Explore her with all possible activity and, while so doing, let your mind be free from all other thoughts. Do not let pleasure's propitious moment pass by unheeded: it occurs when you see her eyes slightly moist and her mouth partly open. Unite then, but never before." – Sheikh Nefzawi, The Perfumed Garden (16 th century)

My partner cheated on me, and I'm trying to forgive her. Most of my friends don't understand why I'd want to stay with her, and I'm finding it hard to defend my decision to them - they all say a man can never trust a woman once she's cheated on him. I think if I could just understand why she strayed, we could prevent it from happening again ... right?

First of all, thanks for being honest about this issue because there are a lot of men who believe that infidelity isn't just a relationship issue, but a strike against their masculinity. This perception of sexual fidelity and gender comes from a patriarchal history and societal paradigm of unequal power of sex and gender. The crux of the matter is this though: your relationship is yours. Not your mates'. You don't have to defend your decision to anyone. It's important that you draw clear boundaries around the matter that you and your partner are dealing with. Your relationship, your decisions, only you two are inside it. everyone else is on the outside. In a crisis, many people (men as well as women) will turn to others for support and advice. That is an invitation to allow them to give you suggestions that you then take on or discard. It's not an invitation to let them into the middle of your situation to make decisions for you, especially if it's as big as a make or break relationship. Male pride can often factor in to situations like this, as you've stated. Your friends are telling you they don't understand why you would stay with someone who cheated on you. Women in this situation will often say the same thing. "You're staying with him?! Whaaaat?!" I think at the core of the matter, regardless of male or female perceptions of fidelity and cheating, is that we don't have enough good, solid role models for sticking together. We have lots of examples of splitting up - even guides on how to do it well (Divorce for Dummies), but far fewer models on how to stay, forgive, move on ... together, perhaps even stronger than before. Couples who survive infidelity don't talk about it as openly, so it's no wonder you're facing more pressure to leave than to stay. Leaving is what we see all the time. Sticking it out, fighting for the future together is much less visible, much more gray.

However, it can be done. If you were to enter into counselling with your partner you'd be guided through rebuilding communication, rebuilding trust and rebuilding the foundations of your relationship. Put everything and everyone else where they belong - to the side, and keep your focus on your partner and yourself - in the centre and at the heart of the matter. Good luck.

5 Reasons People Cheat in a Relationship:

1. Conflict avoidance
2. Intimacy avoidance
3. Sexual addiction
4. Split self/dual life
5. Exit affair

5 Stages to Post-Cheat Relationship Recovery:

1. Gain knowledge about 'The Why'
2. Release anger
3. Reaffirm commitment
4. Rebuild trust
5. Rebuild relationship

Can you explain bisexuality? I've never understood how a person can claim to be equally attracted to both men and women. Don't we have a preference for one or the other? Aren't bisexuals confused? A co-worker told me she is bisexual, but I've only ever seen her date men. Is she just being an attention seeker?

While there has been a trend over the last decade or so to experiment sexually, with one or more partners, of both genders, and terms like 'bi-curious' and 'bi-chic' have entered our language, our society is predominantly heterosexual, and any other sexual orientation faces tremendous pressure and challenges.

Society still labels sexual orientation across three distinct boxes: hetero-, homo- and bi -sexuality. However, sexologist and researcher Alfred Kinsey, actually categorised sexual orientation along a 7 point spectrum, over half a century ago. He understood, after interviewing thousands of people, that sexual attraction is not always black and white. Kinsey's seven point scale ranges from exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual. Kinsey found more men tend to identify at either end of the spectrum, while more women place themselves toward the middle, acknowledging potential attraction to both men and women.

The concept of attraction is complex, and a result of both nature (our brains) and nurture (our culture and society). Research shows that men, straight and gay, are primarily attracted by physical attributes - at least at first. Research has also long stated that women on the other hand, are attracted by personality, manners, status symbols, and the oft listed dating ad jargon: DTE GSOH (down to earth, good sense of humour). However, recent research indicates that women judge attraction based on physical qualities at first glance, nearly as much as men, and more often than they admit. Yes, DTE GSOH is important, but truth be told, a secondary consideration on the Hubba Hubba Meter.

In essence, we are as diverse in our sexual attractions as we are with many other aspects of our identities. Bisexuals can feel pressure from both sides to 'join their team' or stop hogging the field by 'having their cake and eating it too'. Being bisexual may be considered 'trendy' by some, but that doesn't mean it's easy, and it's certainly not made any easier by further outside judgment. Try to get to know your co-worker as a personality, rather than a sexuality, and accept them for who they are, not who they date.

Understanding Bisexuality

Identifying as any sexual orientation is a reflection of our attractions, desires, thoughts, feelings and behaviours all together ... not just our actions alone. People who experiment in a threesome or kiss someone of the same gender are not necessarily gay or bi. Our internal identity and sense of attraction determine our sexual orientation, not our behaviour.

People who publicly identify as bisexual may self-identify as homosexual, but are not willing or able to come out as gay. Others may self-identify as straight. The bottom line: the outside slapped on label of sexual orientation may not always reveal the heart of the matter.

If you, or someone you know is questioning their sexual orientation, contact your local area health service, Lifeline, Kids Helpline, PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and internet education and support sites for anonymous advice.

I've never had an orgasm. I love sex with my husband, but feel like there is this amazing part of sex that I've never experienced. I haven't told him about my problem, because I'm embarrassed, but also because he's such a caring and generous lover and I don't want to hurt his feelings. The problem is definitely with me - I think I get close, but then I get tense and can't 'let go'. Can you give me some advice?

The inability to have an orgasm is one of the most common sexual difficulties faced by women. The feeling that you can't "let go" is quite common. Other women regularly describe this similar feeling by saying that they experience pleasure and tension, but it stalls and they 'never get there' - to climax. First of all, let me say that there is a lot more to sex than orgasm, so one of the first pieces of advice is to indulge in the sensual journey of sex, without the pressure of the destination being the Big O. I know that can seem hard to do, when you have a strong desire to experience orgasm, however if you feel any pressure to get to orgasm, that can actually work against you, and prevent any chance of achieving a climax.

The sexual response in the body is a fragile system that can switch off or phase out at the slightest trigger. Triggers that work against sexual arousal and orgasm include: pressure, fatigue, depression, low energy, low attraction, disconnection from partner, anxiety, stress, and lack of stimulation, to name a few. Understanding the trigger(s) is a key part to helping you learn to achieve orgasm, but also learning more about your own body and sexual response is just as crucial. If you don't experience orgasm through self stimulation, masturbation exercises can help you learn your individual pleasure response. If you don't experience orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse - you're not alone; less than 30% of women can achieve orgasm through intercourse. Women are not designed to experience orgasm through their vaginas - direct clitoral stimulation is necessary. If direct clitoral stimulation becomes painful, switch to the areas around the glans ("button"). Sometimes, when it comes to getting to the Big O, all it takes is a little less pressure and expectation, and a little more sexual education and sensual direction. If self pleasuring, and mutual masturbation experimentation prior to intercourse don't work, I highly recommend the book by my colleague and friend, Dr Vivienne Cass, called The Elusive Orgasm. It's a workbook for singles, and couples too, on 'why she can't and how she can' and it's been revolutionary for many clients who have the same climax challenges as you. The book is published in Western Australia, and can be ordered by most good bookshops, or directly at www.brightfire.com.au.

Tips for Her Big O:

1. Mmmm masturbation! Many women don't self pleasure, however masturbation exercises are an excellent way to learn about your unique sexual response. Share this stimulating insight with your partner, or use your knowledge of your body's arousal patterns and needs to guide yourself to heightened sensation when you're with your partner.
2. She - (should) - come first. Since intercourse isn't directly responsible for reliably delivering orgasm for women, if she experiences an orgasm prior to penetration, during foreplay, she'll be hovering at the peak of her arousal pattern, and better able to come again during intercourse. Expecting to move from go to O! to whoah in the duration and stimulation of intercourse is unrealistic for most.
3. Accessorise. Racy must-haves for sensational orgasms, and stimulating help to get there include vibrators and lube. Many women (and men) don't realise how important it is to add lube when using a toy that goes buzz in the night. The heat and friction can actually cause pain without lube, but importantly for women who have trouble climaxing, the added lube increases sensitivity.
4. Relax. Your brain is your most important sexual organ, so if orgasm is front and centre on your brain, charting your arousal process as you make love, your cerebral response to sex has hijacked your emotional pleasure response. In this case, distract yourself by changing positions, or pleasuring your partner.
5. Meditate. No, not during sex... at other times. Meditation helps you practice relaxation, breathing, calming your thoughts, and letting go

I want to give my partner the surprise of his life for his 50th birthday by making one of his fantasies come true. He has always wanted me to do a strip tease for him, but I've been avoiding it for years. Do you have any tips about how I can give him this wish without burning up with mortification? I'm not very body confident, or even a very good dancer!

Good on you! Giving is a huge part of the sensuality between partners, and indulging in their fantasies and wishes can be a terrific treat for them, which communicates to them that you care, you want to turn them on, you desire them and recognise the importance of keeping sex exciting. All great messages to give your partner, and fantastic to be doing something special for him on his birthday!

I'm a sexologist, not a strip tease expert, however, I have studied a few moves with the best that Sydney, Perth and London have to offer. And here's the big tip: it's aaaaall about confidence! Don't worry about body rhythm and shape - those are secondary considerations and way, way down the list.

Here are some tips which I have found very helpful (not being a professional dancer either, like yourself). Find an outfit that will make you feel sexy, and help you tap into a persona that has confidence. There's no rule that you have to strip all the way down to the nuddie, so pick an outfit that will reveal what you're super comfortable with. If you're not happy about showing your belly, think about stripping down to a halfway unbuttoned shirt of his, with sexy choker necklace and thigh high hosiery. If you're not happy with your bum (and frankly, even professional strippers can be less than thrilled with the state of their derrieres), then consider stripping out of a dress to reveal a sheer sexy slip with a higher-than-thigh-high slit and peek-a-boo panties, thigh high boots and beautiful bra. The basic message is that costumery is key: it's a visual feast for your partner, so pay some attention to what you're wearing - for his eyes, and to enhance your best features.

As for dancing, it's about open interpretation. Pick music that you feel sexy moving to and spend some time just dancing to it without trying to remove any clothing. Simply get into the sexy soul of the song. Pick a few moves and choreograph them to the slow and faster parts of the song. Remember - you only need about 5 moves: shoulder rotations, hip swivels - and there are lots of variations such as legs together, legs apart, one leg in front of another, side to side, front to back, circle a la hoola hoop, or circle a figure eight, hand to mouth, hands in hair and don't forget to practice your desirous, sultry facial expressions. Repeat your five moves in different combinations across the song. Don't worry - he's not going to notice because as far as he's concerned, the show changes with every article that you remove! And the last tip - love it, love you, love him. If you dance like the goddess of sexuality that you are, he'll be beside himself with ecstasy that you're showing him!

The Art of the Strip Tease

1. Tap into your own sexuality - it's about you, for him. It's not about him.
2. Learn about movement and sensuality by taking a few classes in something that interests you and lets you tap into your sense of rhythm and sex - maybe bellydancing, salsa, tantra, tribal dance, drumming, jazz, ballet, etc. Just a novice start is enough to start expressing yourself. Remember this is a tease show, not a talent show!
3. Dress the part, and oomph up the seduction factor by wearing lots of things to take off - tease out the baring all process. Wear hairpins, gloves, rings, belts etc. Especially if you're not stripping down to your birthday suit. Whatever you strip down to though, keep your stilettos on!
4. Keep control during your performance. Touch yourself, but don't let him touch you. Tease him with peeks at your erogenous zones, but don't reveal too much too soon.
5. Be confident. If you only use one tip, this is it.

Who should say 'I love you' first? And when should you say it? I think I scare women away because I fall in love fast, and I fall hard. I've always believed men should say 'I love you' first - isn't that what women are always waiting for? So why do my relationships crumble as soon as I say it?

Oooh, this is such a fundamental issue, and people can feel very strongly about it. I don't believe there "should" be any "shoulds" when it comes to saying 'I love you'. The elation of hearing those three little words comes from their meaning - an expression of an intensity of feelings. Not an outcome of an obligation to be the first one to say it. In modern relationships, both men and women can say it first - it really depends on who's ready to share those feelings.

The tricky part in a new relationship can be when one partner feels those loving feelings, says it, and the other partner doesn't reciprocate those same feelings - yet. It doesn't mean they won't, but it sure can add some temporary tension. So, one of the most important considerations, when it comes to the timing of saying I love you, is to recognise that you're saying it to express your feelings. Not to say it to invite a statement of those feelings for you. If they do echo your feelings, terrific - you're both arriving at the same level of intensity for each other at the same time. However, this isn't always the case, and that's ok.

Saying I love you is all about following your feelings and your gut - this is also important to consider when you say you think you scare women off. If you think you frighten women into running away, you probably do, especially if it's a pattern. Your desire to be the first to say 'I love you' might be pressuring you to rush a relationship's natural timing. This pressure can send women packing. Women are often attracted to security - not financial, but the kind of 'big arms wrapped around them' secure knowledge that they are with someone who can take care of them, who is stable, measured, brave, and take risks, but not with her feelings. So the timing of saying 'I love you' can be very delicate. Because your relationships are tending to crash and burn at the 'I love you' stage, try to make sure that before you say those three little words, you have some sense of how your partner feels about you. And the bottom line is that the person who is right for you, is the one who doesn't run scared when you say it, so approach with sensitivity and say it with sincerity.

Saying I Love You

1. There are no shoulds. It can be spontaneous or planned. Either partner can say it first, when they feel it.
2. Say it to share it. If you hear it back, wonderful. If not, don't stress - it might be coming your way soon, and wouldn't you prefer to hear it when it's really meant rather than as an automatic echo?
3. If you're upset that your partner hasn't said it to you, talk with them about it. Try not to bottle your feelings - let them out, from your fondness to your frustration. Being open is the start to a solid relationship.

I hate my partner's friends – I've really tried, but can't bear spending time with them, and feel he changes into a real lad when he's with them, and I don't like it. What's the best way to get around this?

This scenario is so common it actually has a name in sexual pop culture: The Adam Syndrome. When guys get together and act like 'blokey blokes', women often call them "Adams" (as in Neanderthals). It seems your perfectly nice boyfriend turns into an 'Adam' when around his mates, and it's absolutely acceptable for you to not want to be around him when he's being such a "lad". You would probably acknowledge that he wouldn't enjoy being around a 'girlie' night with your friends, so there's plenty of room for compromise in a healthy relationship. It's good for partners to spend time with friends, separately. Talk to him about how healthy it is for you each to have separate time with your own friends, rather than criticise his mates. Fighting about having friends and time with friends is common in a relationship, but it needn't be a fight, once you find the right balance of priorities and understanding. You've made an investment in your relationship with this man, but that doesn't mean you have to love his friends too. Many couples strike a balance between having time with their friends, especially the ones they had before they met each other, and one on one 'couple time'. It can also be a good balance in a healthy social life to make friends as a couple. This way you have a group of people that you are friends with together, that don't make for only 'girly' or 'blokey' nights out. If your partner still acts like a 'lad' each and every time you're out with friends, in every context, and you find it to an extreme that is offensive to you, pull him aside at an appropriate time when you are alone together and tell him how you feel. Ensure that you both understand each other, and prioritise each other whenever you are together. Make sure your time is balanced between friends and each other, and throw away the rule-book that says your two lives have to meld perfectly into one. Keep your own friends, and let him keep his with a few mutual friends thrown in the mix. It will keep your relationship sane, and above all, healthy.

Balancing Time Together:

1. Agree to a date night (once a week or once a month)
2. Let each other feel free to socialise with friends separately – girls and boys nights out are important social time too.
3. Connect with each other through communication, so you don't feel too separate if you haven't had one on one time together.
4. Make arrangements to have social time with other couples, and with other couples with children, if you have children. Embrace a social life that suits your lifestyle.
5. Plan holidays or getaways. Even if you don't take them that often, planning them together can heighten the anticipation and excitement for that special time together.

I recently kissed another man at a party when I was having a rough patch with my partner, and now I'm consumed with guilt. I'm really tempted to tell him even though I know he'd be devastated. What should I do?

You need to think hard about why you want to tell him. Is it to alleviate your own sense of guilt? Or is it to shift the uncomfortable responsibility of the issue off of you and on to the relationship? Or perhaps it's because you feel that until you are honest, the relationship will suffer and can't move forward? You must take responsibility for your actions, even though you might feel as though you never would've kissed that man had your relationship been solid. There are two issues to discuss with your partner. First, your behaviour - that you, for whatever reason, transgressed, and kissed someone else, and therefore hurt your partner. Second, the problems in your relationship that led to the rough patch, if there were any. By making a commitment to fixing the problems that already exist in your relationship, you can reassure your partner that he is the most important, and that the kiss, while wrong, and you regret it, is in the past, and you are focused on moving forward. Or, if it was a situation in which you simply did not resist temptation, be honest about that and explore why you were unable, or unwilling to resist. Be prepared, though, for any possible reaction from him, and give him his right to feel hurt, angry, confused and more. Some couples will regard a kiss as a transgression that is forgivable, and relatively easy to move forward from. Other couples will find that an intimate act such as a kiss is a hurtful betrayal, and the other partner will feel deeply wounded. The decision of whether to tell him is entirely up to you, however if you do, you mustn't blame the rough patch for your actions, but present your mistake as simply that, and then ask him to join you in a concerted effort to recommit to the relationship openly and honestly. From there, you can make concrete agreements about what constitutes cheating in your relationship, and what your expectations are from each other. Then the lines are clear, and so is your future together.

How we regard cheating:

Couples can feel 'cheating' occurs in many different ways in a relationship:

1. Sexually. This can be from a flirt to a kiss, to sleeping with someone else.
2. Emotionally. This can be when one partner finds someone else, other than their primary partner as their main outlet for expressing their thoughts, feelings, hopes and desires to. The other partner feels excluded.
3. Lying. Not telling the truth, in any matter, or simply by omission, can cheat the relationship of honesty, and intimacy.
4. Time. Partners who spend time on the internet, whether having a cyber-affair or not, can cheat their real life partner of time together, and bonding and intimacy.

If you feel your partner is cheating in any of these ways, address it with them and work towards rebuilding a connection together. Seek relationship help if this feels daunting to do on your own.

I'm not very sexually confident, and I'm constantly worried my more experienced partner is comparing me to his former lovers, to the point that it's affecting my libido, and also whether I think he finds me sexy or not. How can I relax more in bed?

You are not unique. Countless other women and men have felt exactly as you do: that their partner is comparing you to their past lovers. Most of the time, this isn't happening, especially when both of you are really connected, and enjoying the sex you're sharing together, in the moment. However, if you feel distracted by these worrying thoughts, it can have a negative effect on your libido, as you're experiencing.

The sexual response system is very fragile, and the slightest thing can switch it off. Negative emotions, anger, worry, jealousy, tension – these can all dampen your libido, and your pleasure during sex. You're right that relaxation will help you enjoy sex with your partner more. You've got to stop thinking about your partner's former lovers and concentrate on him, and his connection with you, and on yourself! Men make love with the woman who is right there in that bed with them, who they are holding, touching and kissing. The magazine pin ups, models and fantasy girls aren't real, and aren't as important to them as you. Neither are their exes, who are firmly in their past, and not with them right now (and for good reason don't forget), feeling warm and soft and loving, as you are. So realise that his concentration is on You, and not on anyone else. There should be only room enough for the two of you in the bed. This understanding should help, but you can also relax by taking long slow breaths as your partner touches you, to relax your muscles. Keep your eyes open and locked on each other, to increase your connection with your partner and keep your thoughts focused on your partner, rather than his exes. Maximise your sensual play by focusing on each other's skin – it's our largest sexual organ after all. To increase your sexual confidence, read books, and playfully talk about sex with your partner. Find out what turns him on, discover something he hasn't tried before and learn together. Concentrate on the present, on being together, on how you feel about each other, which is infinitely more important than sexual performance, and leave the past where it belong

Tips for Loving the One You're With:

1. Play with variety. Keep things sparking by trying new things together which are shared between the two of you alone.
2. Kiss. A lot. Both men and women report desiring more kissing in their love lives, and women especially state kissing is close to their favourite intimate sexual behaviour.
3. Flirt. Just because you're each other's 'sure thing' doesn't mean you can't still shower them with loving sexual innuendos and compliments!
4. Tokens of love. Stimulate your intimate relationship all the time, not just in the bedroom with gifts of affection, and sexiness. It keeps desire and desire for sex front and centre on your brains!